Harry, Hero of What?
by JemTmTraveler
Summary: Harry becomes Link from Ocarina of Time and has to follow the story line...I rate to be safe. May change it later.
1. Prologue

Jem: Howdy y'all!

_Sarin: … Ok, we are going home at the end of the week and breaking you of that._

Jem: I was kidding, Sarin dear. We aren't even near a place where they say that.

_Sarin: ( is too far gone in evil plans to be implemented upon the end of finals week)_

Jem: -.-' eh heh… anyway…

imaginealineimaginealineimaginealineimaginealineimaginealine

DISCLAIMER!!: I own it? REALLY?! (opens wallet, moth flies out) … guess not. Don't own the rights Harry Potter or Zelda. BUT! I have all the books and games (respectively). I am a poor college student; you would maybe get a dime.

**RON POV** (probably the only one I'll ever do)

It started off like any other day at Hogwarts. The weather was already showing signs of an impending storm, but at least those too lazy to actually stick their heads out of the window in the morning to find out what the day was going to be like could figure it out from looking at the ceiling of the Great Hall. Which is Precisely what my best friend Harry Potter and girlfriend Hermione Granger were accusing me of.

And before you ask, yes he is The Harry Potter, though for some reason he seems to be reluctant to ever be proud of that fact. Keeps spouting something about wishing he wasn't famous or something. Bloody hell, if it were me, I'd revel in that fact. But maybe that's just me… Darn it, Hermione has been rubbing off on me again. I don't even know what revel means and I'm using it! … Waaaaaait…

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes… an ordinary day starting off in an ordinary way. Now, never let it be said I don't like food or sleep; in fact, it's quite the contrary. So, like every morning, Harry and Hermione dragged me out of bed and reminded me that it was one of my three (if not more) favorite times of the day, that wonderful time of day when everyone walked down to the Great Hall for Food! And, as always, that got me moving. The usual trudge down, munch the usual meal, leave at the usual time, watch Harry and the Ferret begin to argue as usual in the usual place in the halls at the usual time… now that I think about it, everything we do is pretty much done the same way every day. But no matter because this is when things changed today.

"You know what, Potter? I am Sick and Tired of your hero complex!"

"So what are you going to do about it, Malfoy?" Harry practically spat at his blond opponent, green eyes gleaming in fury.

A flash of light suddenly shone and blinded us, surrounding them, and when it faded… they were gone.

imaginealineimaginealineimaginealineimaginealineimaginealineimaginealine

Yeah yeah… short chapter. But I'm actually working on a multiple chapter fic. And it's not done yet BUT DON'T PANIC! I'm actually working on it!

Anyway, drop a note or a review if you have time and tell me what you think, k?

_Sarin: Postulating for reviews again?_

Jem: … maaaaaaybe…


	2. Chapter 1: The Beginning

Jem: Ok, so this is an adventure…

_Sarin: She's just proud of herself for figuring out how to add a chapter._

Jem: Oh hush up.

Disclaimer: See the Prologue. I'm not gonna write it again.

(sings to the badger dance song) LinelinelinelinelinelinelinelinelinelinelinelineCommaComma!

Chapter 1: The Beginning (of a Very Long Day)

Harry woke up, groaning at his huge headache. What the hell had happened? He turned over again to try to get back into the warm, dark confines of sleep. Unfortunately for our lovable hero, a shiny orb with wings began to attack him, screaming something about a tree and waking up.

Rolling his eyes, he yawned and got up, hoping the annoying… thing… would go away. No such luck. He slowly moved his hand to grab his wand… only to find himself chibified and in… a smock and green TIGHTS?! A scream pierced the forest, deafening all the friendly elves in the village for a while and causing one to come running.

"I see you have a fairy!" she said much too cheerfully, bouncing around like a maniac once he had emerged from the one room… tree house. This is getting a little too weird, Harry was beginning to think as he dropped to the ground.

Then, the green haired girl frowned slightly. "You don't really look all that familiar… but!" she started bouncing again, "since you have a fairy, you must be one of us! Now go-over-there,-grab-some-money-from-the-bushes,-crawl-through-the-hole-and-grab-the-sword,-then-buy-the-shield-'cause-I-hear-the-Tree-is-calling-for-you!" She took a deep breath and began panting since it was hard to say all that without breathing.

"But where and when am I?" asked the very confused Savior of the Wizarding World circa 1988.

"What?" asked the girl a little louder.

"I asked where and when am I?" he repeated.

She giggled. "Sorry, can't hear you… I think you should go start getting ready to see the Tree."

"What tree? There are trees all around here."

"… the SPECIAL Tree."

"What does it do, talk?"

"…"

"You're kidding…"

"Nope. Now you better hurry. It doesn't like to be kept waiting."

The ball of winged light began to ding him again, much to his frustration. So he hurried…

**TIME LAPSE**

"WHAT?! You have the sword and shield our people use? I'm jealous… and stay away from Saria." The short red headed kid guarding the path muttered the last bit sulkily.

"Who's Saria?" The boy looked up, glaring, and pointed at the bouncy girl from earlier. "Oh, no worries then." Harry ran past as the comment sunk in.

"Hey, are you insulting her?" the boy yelled after the fleeing Harry who soon reached the Tree.

"I am the Tree! Thank you for coming, Link. And for guiding him Navi."

The ball of light dinged and said "HEY!" happily at the praise while Harry raised his hand and said "Umm… my name's Harry."

"Sure it is, Link… we'll call you 'Harry' if you'd like… Just kill the spider that is eating me."

Harry reached for his wand instinctively, but still couldn't find it. So, he charged in and had to kill the spider with the sword. Once that was done, he found himself being forced to pick up a heart shaped jewelry box from the ground and step into a suspicious glowing blue area on the floor. It warped him in front of the tree, to his great relief.

"Alas, poor Link. I am dying. You slept too late." And with that, the Deku Tree died.

The fairy angrily dinged at Harry and smacked him in the head. He felt sorry, but figured that if it died, it died.

"Gooooo toooooo theeeeeeee Paaaaaaalaaaaace!" the wind cried in a voice not unlike the Deku Tree's.

And so the journey began

LinelinelinelinelinelinelinelinelinelinelinelineCommaComma!

If someone has not seen the badger dance: http:// www dot badgerbadgerbadger dot com and yes, I can listen to this for a while.

_Sarin: Snaaaaake! Snaaaaaake! ooooooh, it's a snaaake…_

And no, I don't much care for Navi, as you will see the theme continues…

Review? Please?


	3. Chapter 2: Darn Dress

_Sarin: WOW! An Update!_

Jem: Oh, shuddup.

Chapter Two: Damn Dress

_Sarin: Wait! You forgot the disclaimer!_

Jem: I Still don't own anything.

**amialineyepithinksooneofthesedaysillfigureitoutbutnoooooformatingneverworks**

"You have to get there before sunset," Saria told him on the bridge after scaring him by grabbing his hand while invisible. "Oh, and here. Take this… instrument… thingie…"

"It's an ocarina." Harry muttered, taking it and trying to figure out where to put it. Having not quite figured out all the mechanics of 'hammer space,' he had slung the slingshot he had found in the Deku Tree on the straps of his shield, a hard enough task. But now he had a decent sized musical instrument… and no pockets. Saria, he then noticed, was over pleased with herself and apparently was aware of his problem. He slowly began to back away as her maniacal grin widened.

TIME LAPSE!

"Yes! I made it…!" panting, he leaned against a wall in the castle town. "I am So out of shape."

"Hey, Fairy Boy!" a red-haired girl poked him hard in the side, earning a glare. "You find my dad. I need to go home. Oh, here, have an egg."

He blinked as the egg was shoved into his hands already holding the ocarina, and the girl ran off, singing an annoying repetitive song.

Shrugging, he crammed the egg between his shield and his body. "Guess I'm having an omelet for breakfast tomorrow then…" he shrugged.

Eventually, he figured out he needed to sneak into the castle the side way… getting thrown out seventeen times might have been a slight clue, but he had been determined. Inside the palace walls, there was a garden filled with guards. For whatever reason, it was easier to get around them than the ones guarding the gate, so he had an easier time sneaking up on the figure peering through the window. Her white dress had a very long skirt and a headdress covered her hair.

Harry cleared his throat and, when the figure spun, found himself face to face with…

"MALFOY?!"

Draco grimaced, "Ah, Potter. So glad you could force yourself to show up."

Harry tossed the green sparkly rock at him. "Here."

Draco tossed it back and snickered. "Nice try, but you need three to get this 'Triforce' thing… And I have the cool blue instrument of Time."

"Ocarina?"

"Yeah, one of those." He picked up a teacup from where it was resting on the windowsill and began to sip.

"… why are you in a dress?"

"Because I am not the one with a hero complex, nor is it an ugly shade of green such as your outfit, if you can call it that. And I'd like to go on record to say: they're robes, not a dress."

"Suuuure they are… White and pink?"

"They're the latest fashion too." Draco said, pointedly ignoring the criticism while trying to enjoy the tea.

"… Malfoy, you're wearing a Dress!"

"Am Not." He pouted cutely and refilled his teacup.

"I swear, you get more girly every time I see you."

"POTTER!" He lunged for the brunette elf wanna be… just to find himself tripping down the stairs and into Harry's arms, earning a smirk and raised eyebrows.

"…well?"

"Damn dress… anyway, I had this dream about flowers and tea parties-"

"And then it turned into a nightmare?"

"YES! All my conditioner ran out!"

"…really?"

"No, Mr. Dark Lord over there in the window just took over the world. So I need two more sparkly stones so the world will go back to being shiney and I can rule."

"… is it just me or are you drunk?"

"It's good to be the princess."

Gently, Harry set Draco back in the middle of the flowerbed with his slightly spiked tea and tried to sneak away.

" Mistress Draco, if she was in her right mind, would make me teach you this song."

"Why do I need a song?"

The caretaker Impa shrugged. "I know not, Mr. Fairy. But 'tis important to follow Mistress' wishes."

"Why are you calling Malfoy 'Mistress'?"

The short brown-skinned, large-eyed figure shrugged, replying, "He is in a dress and smashed, Mr. Fairy. Highly doubt do I that he even notices or cares. That and because he wanted me to."

"And call me Draco, Harry… we seem to be stuck here together, wherever here is. Might as well." Another long sip of tea, and the lack of balance Draco had been previously exhibiting became even more pronounced.

"Alright, Draco… let me ask a simple question then."

"Ask away."

"Why. Are. You. The. Princess?"

"Someone has to be. And I'm pretty."

And with that, Harry walked off to face his doom – I mean, find the other two stones.

**amialineyepithinksooneofthesedaysillfigureitoutbutnoooooformatingneverworks**

_Sarin: Huzzah, it's another chapter! She has through chapter nine written. Now to transcribe. And lots of other things are eating her brain._

Jem: Nooo! Not my brain!

_Sarin: Review please! She loves encouragement, even though (as you can tell) nothing is sacred in this fic. It is purely parody._


	4. Chptr2andhalf : A Short Surprise For Ye

_Sarin: And now for a superspecialawesome addition because it took so long! And because she loves you! (insert usual standard disclaimer here)_

Chapter Two point Five: Shiiiiiiney

Scene: in the Skultulla house

"…So you touched the spider and got transformed into monsters?"

"…It was shiiiiney!"

"You and your family are a bunch of half people, half spider monsters and you claim it was all because it was shiney and you had to touch it?!"

"Pretty much, yeah."

Harry put his head in his hands and groaned. "What is with people in this kingdom and things that are shiney?"

Most of the spider people cowered at the statement until a youngling spoke up. "Daddy? Can I eat him? His sword is shiiiiiney!"


	5. Chapter 3: Bomb Goes WHERE?

Sarin: Like OMG! It's ALIVE!

Jem: *groans* Drama queen. It isn't that bad.

Anyway, on to the story.

Jem: I own... a (that is 1 and only 1) copy of all the HP movies that are on DVD and most of the Zelda games that can be played on a GameCube. That is all; still no rights to any of it. T.T So sad T.T Sue and you'll still get nothing... maybe the cat that I haven't gotten yet.

* * *

"Mr. Fairy not forget to come back after retrieving two sparkly shiny stones!" Impa called as she waved goodbye. "Mistress will be waiting."

"...So where am I going?" Harry nervously asked, only to turn around and see that Impa was gone.

*Ding ding ding* ... *ding ding ding* ... *ding ding ding - FWAP!*

"OW!" Harry glared at the ball of light that had just hit him. A map fell into his hands. He peered at it suspiciously.

"Link?" the voice came from the direction of the glowing sphere that floated and followed him around. He started from the study of the map.

"What... huh... who? And my name is Harry, not Link!"

"It's Saria... you know, your friend from the village?" giggles punctuated the sentence.

"Yeeeeeaaaah..." he cringed."But where are you?" He looked around to try and see where the attack would come from but still saw no sign of the green haired fan girl.

"In the forest..."

"... So how come I can hear you?"

"Oh, Navi is a living floating communication device."

"... Like a cell phone or walkie-talkie?"

"Huh?"

"Never mind... wait... who is Navi?"

"Your fairy friend, siiiiiilly!" More giggling. What was with this girl? Seriously, someone should limit her sugar intake.

"Oh." He proceeded to scrutinize the glowing thing that persisted in bobbing up and down like a fishing lure... wait a minute! He chuckled evilly, causing it to pause briefly, as if frightened. Now if only he could find a pole, some string and a good spot... then he remembered he'd been talking to someone. "So, you're calling... why."

"To give you some advice! After all, someday we're gonna be in looooooove and get maaaaarriiiiiiiied and..."

"Saria, where's a magical mystical ruby?"

A gasp was heard. "Oh. My. God! Link, you'd go all the way to the Gorons to get the ruby for me? All those male models in a secluded village in the mountains... I wish I could come, just to look at them mind cuz I really just love you, but the dead Tree's rules say I caaaaan't."

"So you still...?"

"YES! Mean evil thing cursed us never to leave the forest... said it was something about 'protecting' us because it thought of us as its children or some such rot. I mean, what kind of parent controls their kid's life like this?"

Harry thought of Ron briefly, and then pushed the memory away. It wouldn't do to get distracted when he still had a quest to finish.

"Soooo... directions?"

"... Will you come and kiss me first?"

Thinking quickly, Harry said the first thing that popped into his head. "The sooner I finish this job, the sooner I can return."

"Oh, just go as far up as you can into the mountains." She didn't sound too disappointed after all.

"That's it?"

"Yeah, pretty much. Here's a song for you for when you get all lonely and want to talk to me. It's my favorite, so I'll be sure to hear it anytime."

Finally, the line went dead and the fairy dropped to the ground, exhausted. Harry debated squishing it (might save him some trouble later), but just as he decided, it flitter fluttered up into the air again, good as new. Blast. He ran to go do the job assigned.

_... Not yet, stupid guard who wants a funny mask 'for his kid'. Yeah sure. Soon as he thought I wasn't looking, he put it on himself gleefully... and what is with these jumping spiders? Ron would have a fit. I mean, spiders by the dozen trying to ... jump... me..._ Harry shuddered at the strange and more than slightly disturbing image his teenage brain came up with.

Finally he reached the cave where the models reportedly lived.

"Hello? Anyone here?" No answer. To pass the time, he decided to practice Draco's song...

"Why, hello there!"

Harry's eyes widened as the head of the village approached.

"What a maaaaaarvelous sound that instrument has!"

Unfortunately, it wasn't because of the "leader" symbol on the door the man had just exited.

"Awww... is someone shy?"

"Male models, my ass." Harry grumbled. "This is a bloody nudist colony"

TIME LAPSE

"...So let me get this straight. You need me to defeat a lizard in order to reopen the cave because you stored all your food in there with all the things your town sells."

"Yes. Will you so it? It would be simply Fabulous."

"... and you will give me the Ruby if I do this for you?"

"Yes. Yes. Anything. And I can't give you the Ruby otherwise anyway."

"Fine." Harry sighed.

"Oh, but first you'll need this friendship bracelet. You need it to open the cave."

"Oooooookaaaaay?"

"Well, it's Shiiiiiiiiiiny. And says you're a friend of the village, so the storeroom will open for you. And will make you super strong like us! I mean, no offense, but it is sooo obvious you never hit the gym. Now please save our food."

BIGGER TIME LAPSE

Harry fell through the floor to face the biggest, baddest, meanest lizard he'd ever seen. The scales were too hard to slash and he was greatly frustrated at not having his wand (and had been all 'storeroom').

"Put a bomb in his mouth, Link!" yelled an irritated Saria via fairy link. Link was taking too long in this quest for her taste already.

"WHAT?!" Harry was singed from all the times a bomb's timer had been a little shorter than he expected. How he was still alive despite all the explosions was a miracle unto itself at this point.

"Throw. The. Bomb. Into. His. Mouth!" Saria semi-patiently yelled again.

"WHAT? I can't hear you!" Harry yelled back. Oops, guess that last explosion was still ringing in the hero's ears.

"So... I can say anything. Well then," her voice suddenly became sultry as she purred, "I hope you finish this soon, Link, and come back. I just came back from shopping and got some pretty things to wear when I next see you. Like a dress that will conform to my curves and maybe a little something for underneath and when I say Little something-"

"Uh, Saria? Name's still Harry... and that was really kinda awkward."

"... Why aren't you fighting the boss?"

"Oh him? I beat him about an hour ago when I fell in here by accident."

"But... the Key!"

"Was next to the entrance of the cave."

"And the door? That was hidden..."

"A back way into the cave actually drops you off right there. I accidently left halfway through and had to get back in... and couldn't remember how I'd gotten out."

"So... you did the whole cave for nothing...?"

"... Honestly, wasn't ready to go back to the colony and report success yet."

"Oh."

They exited the cave, Saria still nattering on through Navi to 'Link' as she continued to call Harry. Unfortunately for our hero, he was so distracted trying to ignore Saria that he literally ran right into Daruna, our favorite leader of the 'Male Models.

"AHH!" Harry screamed as he fell backwards only to be pulled up into the most awkward and uncomfortable hug he had ever received... after all, who wouldn't be uncomfortable being hugged by a naked man while wearing an ugly green tunic and lycra leggings? ... Don't answer if it would be yes.

"Oh Thank You Link!"

"Harry."

"Oh that's right. Anyway, here's your ruby."

Harry took the ruby and tried to move away surreptitiously. No luck. "Can you let me go now?" he finally was forced to ask.

"You don't want to stay here?" Daruna tried his best sad expression, but Harry pulled away with a shake of his head.

"You suuuuuuuure?"

"Yeah. I'm sure. I have a quest after all."

"Well, know we'll have a spot for you if you change your mind. After all, you'll be quite the looker when you grow up."

Harry quickly backed away as Daruna gave him a wink, then ran away before the group changed their mind about letting him leave.

* * *

Sarin: She hopes you liked. So in honor of her returning from the dead of like... a YEAR! ... Review and make her motivated to keep updating!

Jem: *Eyeroll* I'm not thaaaaaat bad.... usually. =^.^=

Sarin: *gets out a cattle prod* Now keep updating.

Jem: We need to get you out of here.

Sarin: Another week and we will be. Now Write!


	6. Chapter 4: Aquiring Magic

Sarin: Like OMG! It's still going!

Jem: *raises eyebrow* You're the one with the cattle prod...

Sarin: And your point is...

Jem: absolutely nothing.

Anyway, on to the story.

Jem: I own nothing. Some days not even groceries. So no sue.

* * *

After a few more cinderings (stupid bombs and their short timers) and many many occasions of running around with his hair on fire (even stupider flaming rocks falling from the sky) and a revealing occasion of Harry's slow move to insanity in this realm so different from his own ("The sky is falling, the Skyyyyyyyy is falling!"), our weary hero finally reached the summit of the tallest and only mountain... only to find himself staring and being stared at by the giant owl that followed him with almost the same tireless efficiency as the bobbing ball he was seriously having doubts about. It was getting really creepy, all things considered.

"... Are you following me?"

~Bomb the wall~ the owl hoo-ed softly as the annoying flying nightlight bounced. Of course it would agree with the owl. ~Play the Royal Family's song~ it continued once Harry was standing on the triforce emblem in front of a pool of water that came from nowhere and disappeared again.

And our favorite brainless wonder did. And to the shock of... only him... a naked woman burst out of the fountain screeching. She was barely covered in vines as if she had been getting dressed and was interrupted. Right before Harry darted his glance away, he noticed absently that her boobs could probably poke out an eye in their pointy glory.

"Ooo... a visitor!" She attempted to ruffle her hair into a more becoming fashion, but as her hair was in pigtails, the ending result was no different than the beginning. "I am The Great Fairy! ...What are you doing now?"

"I'm averting my eyes, oh Lady..." Harry respectfully attempted before muttering "what does it look like?"

"Well don't... I have a present for you but you don't get it until you look at me. Now knock off this childish shy behavior or you'll never survive here."

Harry looked hopefully at her. Could this strange woman know his plight? But no, instead she coached him to be able to hold her gaze until she was satisfied. He didn't want to dwell on the previous statement that implied that there would be more of this to come. After all, she had said that she was The Great Fairy... which meant the only one, right? Finally, the Great Fairy-of-No-Shame gave him his present, the "magic meter" that she calmly informed him would let him be able to "shoot his sword with power" (AN: not that one, you pervs. The sharp and deadly... you know what, never mind... you know what I mean).

After he was done with that "Training Session" (as she'd called it, he would have termed it harassment), he apparently got too close to the creepy owl. It grabbed him and took him on one of the most terrifying ride he's ever been on - including when Hagred had flopped him onto Buckbeak. After all, during the ride on Buckbeak, he hadn't been shot at by frightened villagers before being dropped onto a roof. The upside was that he lost Navi... for all of three seconds before he heard the evilly familiar "Hey".

And then he heard that another "Great Fairy" had to be visited and that she was located next to the palace. He would have gladly ignored this notification, but Saria and the damn glowing bobble ball gave him no choice. After all, a shameless woman in no clothes would have normally been fine, but he was in a ten year old body. And obviously there was another botched boob job. The women must have been related to Tonks in some way as their hair was so colorful. And so he escaped with Din's Fire... which he discovered was its own problem. He walked back into the cave.

"Umm... Miss Great Fairy ma'am?"

The naked woman grinned lecherously at him. Harry gulped, then proceeded to ask his question.

"How... exactly... do I use this skill?"

The grin grew wider, to his dismay.

"You dance."

"... Excuse me?"

She shrugged. "You do a dance move, it happens."

"So, it's like wandless magic."

"Oh no, dear... you use your wand Plenty."

Another daring escape later, the Great Fairy was left grinning maliciously like a Cheshire Cat. What with the lack of visitors recently, it was always funny to screw up the minds of the ones who did show up.

* * *

Sarin: *trying a Jedi Mind trick* Like it! Liiiiiike It!

Jem: Silly Sarin needs Sleep!

Sarin: You and your alliterations...

Jem: Review Please!

Sarin: AND LIKE IT! *is tied up and put to bed*


	7. Chptr4andhalf: Farm and Travel

Sarin: THREE CHAPTERS?!

Jem: Yeah yeah yeah... Whatever. I have time today to transcribe.

Sarin: *falls over*

Jem: *pokes her with a stick... shrug* Moving on then

Disclaimer: I own nothing. What I do might vanish in a yard sale as Mother's Day approaches, and I'm sure mine wants something pretty.

* * *

The Happy Farm Interlude:

Harry sighed almost defeatedly. Two jewels down and one left to go. Why did he feel like this wasn't going to get any easier? He brought out the shopping list the "Illustrious and Wonderous (and Tipsy) 'Princess' Draco" had given him to check off what he had gotten. One Spiritual Stone of Forest Emerald, check. One Spiritual Stone of Mountain Ruby, check. About two dozen Skulltulla tokens out of the hundred he'd heard there were (though why those were on the list, Harry wasn't quite sure), ok. One annoying lightbulb for a fairy, sure why not... though killing it would have been easier. One of the three spells... he sighed dramatically. Stupid list.

And then the glowing thing began to ding again, shouting "HEY!" Knowing he was in danger of imminent bodily harm if he didn't respond, he replied.

"Fine, what is it now?"

"... ... ... ..." The fairy appeared to be considering him before passing on the message. "Rumor has it that the merpeople have the last sparkly stone."

"Merpeople? I've met merpeople!"

The ball laughed as Saria said 'through' her, "Link, you're so silly. Of course you haven't. You've been here with us in the forest for your whole life."

Harry groaned and replied "Oh yeah. So where do I find these merpeople?"

"Their home of course. Behind the waterfall!"

"Ok. Thanks Saria." After the connection was cut, Harry began to mutter "Behind... the... waterfall. What waterfall? Honestly. I mean I could look at the map but..."

He bagan to wander... and wander... and wander until he found himself standing in the middle of a farm, where a large fat sleeping guy tried to get him to propose to his daughter in exchange for a bottle of milk while that same daughter hummed in the middle of the horse pen. After the eighth refrain of her song, it was only slightly less annoying than Navi's dinging. Harry frowned as he remembered the egg hatching and the hope for a giant omlet disappearing with it. Amazingly though, once he learned the song she was singing (upon her annoying, clinging pleas), he attracted the attention of a gorgious little pony and learned from Malon, the girl, that if he met a cow wandering around, it would give him milk in exchange for playing it.

It took violence on the part of the fairy and much effort from Harry to finally detach his arm from her leech-like grip at the end of the visit. Blood streamed back into it painfully. That done, he decided to return to the village on the mountain to try to get more information. it ended up with a visit to the graveyard to fight some zombies (that Saria swore were called Redeads even though that would make no sense as they were very obvously alive, so wouldn't they be called Relives?) and some ghosts in order to get another song that would change the time of day... and yet it was called the Sun Song ("I promise Link! It makes sense!" "Harry! Name is Still Harry" "*is ignoring* It makes the sun rise and set! See? Sun Song")

Finally convinced that he had all the songs he would need for a while (and attempting rather pathetically to escape the fairy to no avail), he headed for the home of the mermaids, hearing through the grapevine (and a cow that somehow got stuck underground even though it was fat and healthy enough to scam a bottle of milk from) that there was this really tiny ledge and to prey that some nut spewing things didn't eat him or hit him hard enough to knock him out so he'd drown. He found himself soon to the ledge with much luck and plenty of near death experiances (and an appearance of the creepy owl again... he knew, just Knew it wanted to eat him really), and faced the waterfall, confused as to what to do. Harry glared at the fairy, who was dinging again.

"Don't you ever stop that?" He asked petulantly. She shook from side to side. Seeing a triforce sign on the ground, he heaved a sigh and played the Royal lullaby. The waterfall slowed, and Harry lept across the distance to enter the domain to the merpeople.

* * *

Sarin: Now go buy something for your mommy.

Jem: But there's so many chooooooices...

Sarin: Pick. One. She'll love it no matter what it is.

Jem: Mmhmm...

Sarin: So everyone should review and make her happy.


	8. Chapter 5: ZORAS Merpeople or Not?

_Sarin: So you should all feel very fortunate that I, Jem's intelligent and beautiful muse, have decided to rain benevolence upon you by allowing her time and permission to continue the story that you have all been waiting for so eagerly._

Jem: Yeah yeah yeah... whatever Sarin.

_Sarin: I would like to thank the Academy - _

Jem: *snorts, sees the look on Sarin's face, tries to grin angelically... fails and breaks out laughing whole heartedly*

_Sarin: *belingered sigh* pearls and swine... well, on with the show. And no, she doesn't own the rights to those either.  
_

* * *

Almost as soon as he entered, he turned back to the fairy and looked like he was going to strangle it.

"You lied to me..." he chirped the Caboose line (Red v. Blue peoples!) in a voice that could have been mistaken for hurt if not for the gleam in his eye.

"What? How?" Saria asked, confused.

"I've met merpeople before and these are not them. Not even remotely the same appearance."

"Link..."

"Harry." His corrections were beginning to get softer, less insistant, as he tired of the theme.

"You have to trust me. Weird things are happening!"

"No shit, Sherlock." He muttered under his breath, earning a smack from the fairy and a very confused 'Who's Sherlock?' from the voice of Saria. When he told her not to worry about it, she shook herself out of the haze.

"Help us, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're our only hope... oops, wrong script."

Harry trudged up the ramp to the top of the waterfall, paid the fishy dude at the top, and leaped, ignoring the spiel.

"LINK!" Saria cried as he fell and disappeared beneath the crashing foam at the bottom. When his green hat bobbed to the surface, however, she breathed a sigh of relief, glad she had superglued it to his hair.

"Congrats, kid. You got all the money at the bottom. Here's a scuba tank that we modeled to resemble a silver scale as a reward. And I'll even let you keep the extra cash!" The thing refused to throw it to him, making him go near the fairy again. He did enjoy making it and Saria scream when he jumped again, claiming it was faster.

"Damn." Harry cursed, frustrated by his apparent inability to escape. He'd been so close too! He'd seen this hole near the bottom that that dumb fairy couldn't fly through, it needing air and all. Focusing solely on that thought, he dove again and escaped... or so he thought. As soon as he surfaced into the lake at the other end of the tunnel, there it was bobbing over his head. He stifled what might very well have emerged as a girlie shriek had it made it out of his head to his throat and left his mouth.

"There you are!" It sounded much too happy. Therefore, it must obviously have deserved getting the bottle he'd been diving for at it. When it exclaimed shock and near hurt for being hit, he looked smug. Unfortunately, it could not be silent for long. "Hey! It's a letter!"

"Thank you, Captain Obvious." He swam to shore, opened it, and sat down to read. "Bla bla bla... got eaten by a fish, help help, save me bla, don't tell Daddy... how is this new? hm? anyone? no? Good, it was rhetorical. Well obviously it's time for me to be a snitch, now isn't it?"

----Mini Time Jump----

After the eternity it took for the fat glob of a king to inch his way from in front of the doorway which, of course, was the only way the princess could have gotten outside to the Sacred Fish Feeding Pond, Harry finally was able to leave the din of hideous sobs of "Save my Baby" the king was emitting. Of course he found yet another sister (or incarnation or whatever they really were) of the Fairy of Great Nudity to get a warping spell called Farore's Wind behind a bomb-able wall in the pond's wall. Besides, Saria was assuring him that no one would charge him for vandalism just for letting the sealed fairy's cave be opened.

"Time to save the princess, Link sweetheart."

"... I'm sure she's already dead and digested and..."

"Nope!"

"Get real, Saria. We got that note quite a bit ago and who knows how long it'd been there. Besides, if you hadn't noticed, this is a whale. They can't eat things like people and..."

"She's a mermaid."

"At the most, she's a humanoid fish."

"Exactly. Mermaid."

"Fish people are Not mermaids!"

"All Mermaids are fish people."

"But not all fish people are mermaids, and this falls under that category!"

"Whatever. You're wrong. But have a fish."

"Huh? Why would I need this?! and I am nooooooooooooooooooooooooot!" His last word had been elongated by the whale seeing the fish and promptly sucking the boy and the fairy into his mouth.

"Told you so." Saria sounded smug.

"Saria. Your walkie-talkie has now become my lantern. So shut up."

Fortunately, it was a mere two openings to the throat where the Fish Princess was standing.

"Hiya! Are you here to play with me too?"

"What? No! I'm here to rescue you!"

"Che. Don't need ya to. I have... where'd he go?"

Harry looked puzzled at the reluctant princess who was looking around. "Who?"

"The pretty boy in the pink dress who was playing go fish with me, of course!"

"I think the fumes have gotten to her, Link... it stinks in here and obviously she's hallucinating." Saria stage whispered.

The girl, not finding who she was looking for and clearly hearing Saria's rudeness, sniffed in disgust and sulked off... and straight into a hole in the ground.

----Much Later----

Harry emerged, covered in slime and smelling like he'd been traveling inside a sewer... not like that and a whale's stomach when it has a severe case of indigestion was much different.

"Hey you! Yes you! In the green!" He glared at the spiteful and spoiled Fish Girl who had made the last few hours absolutely miserable by not only making him carry her wherever he'd wanted her go, but also would run off when he took his eyes off her for a moment. She giggled; at this moment, it sounded positively evil.

"You 'saved' me. So here, I'll give you the sapphire you've been staring at all day, ok? No charge, no worries."

She handed it to him and his eyes widened and he started to let a smile creep onto his face for the first time in what felt like forever.

"Really?"

"Yep! Now we're engaged!"

'...Naturally...' Harry thought as he ran away from the girl as fast as he could. 'Why can't my life ever be normal? Why do all the weird things happen to me?'

* * *

Jem: ah, another chapter down. Thanks to everyone who is following this.

_Sarin: Bla bla bla... make her happy and review._


	9. Chapter 6: Returning to Castle

Jem: *asleep and lightly snoring*

_Sarin: She had a Paper of Doom due this morning. Alas, fanfic world, she now can plague you with her -_

Jem: *cracks an eye* Plague?

_Sarin: Brillence!_

Jem: Nice cover story...

_Sarin: As a poor student, she owns... a newly filled refrigerator! And that's about it._

* * *

Harry glared as sunset approached. He had tried wishing for the shoes of Hermes before he'd left his new fiancee, but obviously to no avail. He glared at his boots. Obviously they had been brand new when he had been dropped into this strange world; his heels were covered in blisters and the wet boots were not helping. Cringing as he watched night continue approaching, he pushed harder to reach the gate before nightfall. He remembered the last time he'd been out after dark in the field in this world... _Skeletons._

Darkness crept closer and closer, but no skeletons appeared. Weird. Reaching the drawbridge in the near dark, he was nearly run over when by white horse carrying a giggling Draco and the little house elf. Dray waved his teacup at Harry, but the house elf was looking greener than usual. Right as Harry started to wonder where they were rushing off to in such a hurry, he saw a blue blur fly from the adopted royalty's hand... and twapped him soundly on the forehead.

"OW!" The projectile bounced off and sailed into the water of the moat with a faint splish. Making a rather rude hand gesture, Harry turned to find the object, if only to see what had hit him. Unfortunately, he found himself nose to nose with a giant black creature that looked nothing like the horse he had probably expected. It smiled evilly at him with rows of sharp pointed teeth, but what concerned him more was the bane of Harry's life.

"Look Link! It's-"

"Hi Tom... How'd you get here?"

Our Friendly Neighborhood Voldemort shrugged, hissing "Later, Potter. I have to catch young Mr. Malfoy. He was supposed to invite me to dinner."

"WAS NOT!" Draco slurred back in their general direction.

"Mind moving?" Voldemort asked Harry, raising an eyebrow while ignoring Draco completely.

"Over my dead body." Harry drew his sword.

"Fine." And with a flick of his wrist, Harry was down for the count.

{Moments Later}

When the Dark Lord had left with his Nazgûl steed (AN: Yeah, couldn't imagine Voldie and a regular horse). Harry rolled his eyes and sorely got up muttering "Sucker." Diving into the moat, he dove as deeply as he could, grabbing the item Draco had thrown from the bottom - a blue ocarina. Instantly, he was granted a vision... "Song of Time, Song of Time, Song of Time" would echo in his head for days, he figured when he was finally released from it, shocked that he hadn't drowned while in the throes of the vision and miraculously was back on land.

"Go to the Temple" Saria screamed from the protection of Navi, who had barely escaped becoming a Nazgûl munchie on a sword during the conversation. Harry began debating the idea seriously just for his own benifit, but decided to let it go just this once. After all, the story was clearly not over yet. Much to his chagrin.

"Fiiiiiiiine. Where is this Temple?" Navi/ Saria looked at him incredulously. "In town. Got it." He sighed, resigned to the directions since he knew he would get no peace until he followed them.

As he approached the alter in the temple, the stones he had been collecting began to glow and warm up. Afraid his hammer space would explode, he quickly opened the portal, allowing them to fly out and approach their designated positions, where they sparkled brilliantly in the strange daylight that filled the temple even while the outside was dark with clouds. Resolving that the light must be flowing from the very walls of the temple, for what other reasonable explanation could there be, he cautiously brought out the Ocarina of Time.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOO! !" Saria cooed, getting ignored as the Song of Time flowed from the manipulations of the "Fairy Boy Who Lived". A rush of magic filled the temple, threading through the melody. By this time, he was not surprised when the back wall slid open to reveal another room hidden behind the alter. He snorted at the sight of the lone thing that was in the room.

"A sword in a stone... with a single ray of light shining down on it. Why am I not surprised - though isn't that a little cliche?"

"Pull it out!" The fairy-talkie chirped.

"Hell no! I don't Want to be king!"

"You won't be king, I promise."

"... what aren't you telling me?"

"You must be awfully tired. I mean, no sleep for days, weeks... maybe even months... who knows how long..."

Harry glared suspiciously at the fairy "Why do i get the feeling that this is not a hypothetical question?"

"Pull the sword out."

"Why? What's in it for me?"

"Honestly? A seven year nap."

"WHAT?!"

"Liiiiiiiiink... it's your deeeeeeeeeeestiny."

"But... But..."

"Pick up the shiney sword. And no, none of your magic or weapons work in here so don't even think about trying to maim me."

"... I hate you, you know that?"

"Anytime now Link."

Harry grasped the sword and yanked it with one solid pull from the stone. The last thing that he hears as a blue light engulfed him were the cries of "!" chorusing through the tiny space. Wait... multiple? Voldemort's laughter echoed through his dreams.

* * *

Jem: Tada! Nother Chappy Done!

_Sarin: Tis just Her Laziness' pleasure to draw you on and on and on with waiting. ;)_

Jem: HEY! I is busy!

_Sarin: RL is more important than fic?! Will wonders never cease?_

Jem: ...

_Sarin: Thanks to those that review and favie!_

Jem: We loves your support!


	10. Chapter 7: Starting Over!

Jem: ... Sarin, don't you dare...

_Sarin: I CAST THIS REZ STONE ON THE EVIL AUTHOR!_

Jem takes on a weird blue glow... it subsides to find her wet and very not happy_._

Jem: For the eightieth time: Water balloons. Are not. Resurrection Materials!

_Sarin: *trying to act innocent* You do know we're rolling right?_

Jem: ... Eeep!

Disclaimer: (cuz my life actually changed... i know... shock and amazement)

Out of school (for now): Yay for graduating, jury still out for this whole 'Real World' thing everyone keeps talking about. Newlywed: still figuring stuff out after a month and a half - June 13 to my bff NeoRyu777. Working for the government: ... well... nuff said. So I don't own nothin and probably never will. (Sadness)

_Sarin: And that, mes amis, is priceless. But enough with the disclaiming - on to the crack_!

_LIIIIIIINE_

Awakening with a pounding head is never an enjoyable experience anyway, but having been subjected to only the echoing sound of Voldemort's cackling for seven years was not making it any better. And to top it off, when the nice looking fat man in the yellow robes (now to be known as Parsley) began the lengthy lecture on the prone form, Harry realized that no currently existing headache or hangover cure would have done the trick against the pulsing pain that had settled behind his right eye and spiderweb-ed over what felt like his whole head anyway - his voice had somehow managed the mixture of Professor Binns and werewolf claws on a blackboard perfectly. The dinging fairy in the background was no help either, chirping and muttering and proud as if she herself had made sure he had gotten "all grown up" alright instead of being a pest. Harry couldn't even mentally roll his eyes.

Mouth feeling like it was full of mothballs, Harry finally staggered to a standing position, though he regretted it before he even made it fully upright. But he was sooooo glad to be seventeen again, even if the clothes - which either grew while he wore them or someone, he had his suspicions, took way too much time to ensure they were just right - looked even weirder now. Honestly, he thought through the painful cloud that shuttered his brain, he should be working at the North Pole like in that one movie. This made him snicker, causing a dirty look from Parsley and the world to shift a little more violently under his boots before solidifying back into the temple. Harry looked around. Parsley was gone.

Feeling his instincts rise as well as his neck hair, he spun around with sword drawn (AN: Yes like on a piece of pape - oh never mind. _SN: Sorry about that... she's adlibbing punnyness even though this is all written._), and nearly sliced in half the young man standing behind him garbed in what looked to be purple bandages around an equally purple spandex jumpsuit that had somehow managed to blend with the shadows.

"Didn't your mother tell you not to play with sharp objects? You could have hurt someone with that thing!"

"Kind of the point." Harry growled, trying to keep his eyes on the figure despite the increasing sensitivities to sound and light that both accompanied and enhanced the raging pain in his head, threatening to split it in two. He channeled this pain into his voice as he continued "Now who are you and what do you want."

"Guess you're not a morning person," the figure grumbled, seemingly immune to the malice in the other's tone and posture as he settled into a relaxed pose against a wall, letting Harry decide for himself whether friend or foe. He'd really hate to have to hurt him this close to the beginning of a new quest, but if Harry decided that - he stopped his thoughts right there. Beating Harry with a lute might be fun in the short run, but it might damage the golden instrument...

"... Sheikah?" Harry guessed, running through all the races of his 'Linkified' vocabulary as fast as the pain and messy filing system that was his memory would let him. After all, the giant All-Seeing Eye on the chest of the figure made it the most reasonable idea. Said lounging figure nodded.

"You can call me Sheik. I'm supposed to help you, teach you music, disappear at inopportune moments, blablabla, stuff like that. Oh, and any and all questions will be ignored."

"Ummm... ok, nice to meet you, I guess."

"Nice to meet you too, Link Hero of Time." If Harry didn't know better, he could have sworn this was said with the same sarcastic drawl that always accompanied "Harry Boy Who Lived." But that was impossible... wasn't it? After all, Draco wouldn't be caught dead in spandex... but then again, the dress... He felt a hard thwack on his head and came back to the discussion at hand.

"Anyway, most of the weapons and stuff you already collected will be useless now. So you get to go looking for new stuff!"

Harry groaned. He'd just finished collecting the last of the Old weapons... even if it had been seven years. After all, he couldn't remember that time, not that he was trying very hard, so it didn't count. "So..." He started cautiously. "What'd i miss while i was... whatever i was..."

"Technically trapped in time. But sleeping would work too, not that it seems to have done much good to your looks." He continued before harry could get out more than a slight noise of protest. "Well, that Voldemort chap has been really busy. The forest was inhabited by evil monsters, the volcano has a pissed off dragon living in it and is about to explode, the lake froze over as did Hell, the spirits in the desert need a good old fashioned Exorcism, the shadow beast sealed in the well in my village is trying to bust out and kill everyone, Zelda vanished, and Lon Lon Ranch is being run by a moron... oh wait, that's not different. and I think that's about it. Oh and everything is bigger, badder, and more blood thirsty than before so I hope you're a blood and organ donor."

"... Who's Zelda?"

Sheik looked at him as if about to revise his opinion of the new owner of the ranch. "The Princess."

"Kay?"

"Just go with it Link... I think it might be a name of power or something. It saves a lot of that migraine you have just to not stress about the small things that make the world go round."

"... Whatever."

"And there is now a ban on booze and chocolate. All of it has been confiscated, as well as those little tea sandwiches and quiches, to be sent to the evil dude in the remodeled castle."

A Clap of Thunder, A Dramatic Pause, and then as if a Hell Hound had been released came the most painful sound of all... Harry's sanity snapping at the most recent revelation. "! NOT THE TEA SANDWICHES!"

"Anyway," the nonplussed Sheik said with a tiny smirk beneath his mask, "Time to go!"

"BUT!"

And Sheik was gone in a blinding flash of light and a resounding crack that reincarnated the formerly fading migraine.

*ding ding ding* "What do you want? I thought I outgrew you!" *Ding Ding Ding!" "WHAT?"

"LINK!" Giggles followed, causing him to pale. Aw damn, it's that forest chick again. "Thank goodness. I had gone to all that trouble to upgrade Navi from a walkie-talkie to a cell phone so we can talk any time and any place. I got Unlimited Minutes! Plus this gets better reception. So are you coming back so we can fulfill our destiny and get married?"

"Umm... Soon. I have this one little quest to do first. It kind of involves saving the world."

"Oh really? Where do you have to go?"

"Well, they said something about the forest being overrun with monsters."

"Oh that's right... I knew I was forgetting Something! Let me start over... *Clearing throat* Help Help! I'm Trapped in the Forest Temple! Help me, Obi Link Kenobi! You're my only Hope!" The line seemed to go dead, but not the annoying fairy, much to Harry's displeasure.

"Well that was a mite disturbing..."

The line clicked back on "And you better hurry... Seven Years I waited -" Harry managed to hit Navi and disconnect the call. The Boy Wonder can hang up a Cell Fairy!

The Kingdom Hearts theme song Sanctuary suddenly filled the airy church space.

"What now?" He grumbled into the phone as he stalked out of the church, having let it 'ring' to voicemail twice before. This person really wasn't giving up.

"Link! Thank goodness I got a hold of you."

"Sheik?" He stopped in the middle of the town square.

"It has a brain after all. I wondered if what little there was would atrophy in seven years, Aurora."

"Who?"

"And you Muggleborn..." Came the soft muttered response right before a louder "Nevermind. ...oops, I take that back. Zombies are bad for your health, so I would not stop in the middle of the road."

"Why'd you call?"

"Oh, to say that saving your forest friend first is the only way to go."

"But she's a Stalker!"

"So? Friend, Stalker, same difference." The careless voice drawled, sounding so familiar. Stupid migraine.

"She's been perv-ing on me."

"Eww... who'd want to do that?"

"... HEY!" Navi somehow managed both to convey the smirk from the other end of her astral connection as well as pout that the funny not-fairy boy had stolen her catchphrase. She intentionally dropped the call there.

Harry was trapped between the irresistible urge to glare at and perhaps forever maim the fairy - he'd decided that killing her would be too easy and too kind - as well as return the sulk. He had to go save this ridiculous child and was getting no information, but plenty of insults, from the supposed helping hand he'd been given. Who did that purple spandex freak think he was anyway?

Having nothing better to do, Harry began the trudge toward his first destination...

_LIIIIIINE_

Jem: and time for snoozles.

_Sarin: but there is a new chappy up, so rejoice!_

Jem: Cookies for reviewers and favies! I loves u!

_Sarin: She really does have it done... uploading is her weak point._


	11. Chapter 8: Forest Temple Ho!

_Sarin: ... *is debating poking Jem with a sharp stick to get her started on this updating thing already*_

Jem: Thanks to reviewers and people who favorited! Someone (coughNeoRyu777cough) dropped liquid on my notebook with the story in it and as we all know, pen and drinks do not mix well, so I had to do some revising and ... umm... redo it in general. But said silly husband is now mentioned on for his fic A Protector's Pride (SHAMELESS PLUG!) so he's happy about that. Life is... well, being life. Which is mostly exciting. Sometimes not so much.

_Sarin: No one cares. They want their update already._

Jem: Jeez... cranky this morning? *sees Sarin brandishing the pointy stick* Ok, ok, on with the show where I own nothing.

_FINALLY A NEW CHAPPY!_.

After much difficulty, especially upon discovery that Navi's upgrade had included the unfortunate installation of a camera, Harry finally managed to get through his first riding lesson, which included the threat of getting trampled as well as being forced to bet all his money and the life of one of the horses (why the life of the horse was included in his bet when he didn't even own the creature, he was totally confused by) in two races. Naturally, Navi's camera could be remote controlled (much to his frustration) by Saria, so all of this was handily recorded for much posterity. And Sheik, after having a laugh over the idea that Harry'd thought that riding a horse would be no more difficult than riding a broom, managed to win quite a bit from his broker once the races began, even daring to shout out amidst the noise "maybe you're worth more alive after all!"

Luckily, Harry didn't manage to hear that last jab of snark and managed to escape from the cursed race track where he and the horse he'd somehow come into ownership of had been locked in to race for eternity. Jumping the fence, an old and overused technique, apparently did work at times... although it did make him wonder how the horse had managed it since the gate was taller than she. Plus, unfortunately, said escape did not include getting rid of Navi who was getting quite into the new role as a paparazzo.

Harry's ride back to the forest where as Link he had supposedly grown up was pretty uneventful. He had the chance to ponder why the sky was blue, the grass green, where the real Link had gone (although with all the trouble so far and no end in sight, he couldn't blame him for disappearing) ... and in deep thought, almost ran into a tree from being thrown from the horse. No matter how he tried to get the horse (he vaguely remembered it being called Epona if what he remembered of the red haired girl from those years ago was accurate) to move into the forest, it wouldn't. Finally giving up with a muttered curse about how he didn't care if she ran off, he entered the forest... only to be attacked in the town by some biting plants. His musing as he headed toward the Lost Forest (which was starting to play creepy music) started to the disturbing - How had they gotten into this secluded area? Where were the children who lived here?

As he entered, he realized the "creepy tune" was the one Saria had always been playing, the one he had tried so hard to scrub from his mind the whole rest of his journey so far. Even through he didn't want to go see her, he somehow knew that he would have to follow the tune. With reluctant steps, he almost tripped over the red haired bratty boy who had given him such a hard time seven years ago (even though he still felt it was yesterday despite the echo still ringing in his ears of Voldemort's laughter). He hadn't aged a bit from the looks of it. A couple of wasps and a troll later, and he finally found a glade with the largest tree he had seen in a while. The stump in front of it had three triangles arranged in a shape that looked oddly familiar. He looked up and could see something akin to a tree house in the branches... but how to get up there. He tried the Lullaby, he tried every other song he could think... he even called upon the shiney thing stuck to his hand. Nothing.

"Did you forget s mini-quest or something, oh Grasshopper of Sleeping?" The drawl rang out from right behind him. Harry spun.

Oh... it was only Sheik... he released his arm from where he had been about to go for his sword. For a second there, he had almost thought he had heard Draco. But that was ridiculous, right? Because Draco was missing and hiding from MoldyShorts - not that Harry cared if he'd gotten captured or not...

"Heeeeello... Hyrule to Liiiiink..." Shiek came closer and waved his hand in front of Harry's face. Surprised, he jolted and then glared at the intruder.

"What do you want?"

"Well, I WAS going to give you a warping spell so you could get back here quickly... but if you don't want it..." Sheik moved as if he was going to throw something.

"Wait!" Sheik paused, looked at Harry curiously.. "How?"

"How what?"

"How could you give me a song?"

Sheik looked at Harry like he was a moron as he pulled a golden harp from behind his back and began to play. Harry, figuring he'd better not try any more arguments while Sheik was in this 'good mood' (at least until learning the song was done) quickly joined in.

"You better hurry," Sheik suggested as the song finished. "Your Friend is not one who has been gifted with patience."

"Who IS patient here?" Harry grumbled, blinking. But no answer was evident... Sheik was gone, disappearing in the microsecond of the blink. Feeling the sudden urge to duck, he did... and was rewarded by the sight of a metal detector nailing Navi who had floated to where his head had been to check on him. Somehow, Sheik's laughter at the strike carried the same drawl as the hookshot followed the metal detector.. including the strike point first into Navi, who was getting over being stunned from the detector itself. Harry just thanked him for the favors and entered the temple.

_Forest_Temple_.

Harry smiled as he practically waltzed intothe forest temple. He pretended he wasn't worried about Dr- Malfoy and instead marveled at the idea of Sheik doing him a favor. If he'd been anyone else or Sheik hadn't been in a helpful mood... well, he didn't want to think about how annoying having to get the hookshot could have been. Plus, seeing Navi get nailed by two metal objects in a matter of minutes totally made his day.

Entering the main room, he saw four girls in Victorian dresses sprint off in different directions. Just about the time he was about to shout a warning so none would run into a wall, they vanished right through it. His mood drooped a little. Great... Ghosts...And one of them had the key that would release Saria so she'd stop whining through Navi about how he was taking too long already. He'd even seen the glint tied to her apron string. Terribly inconvenient, he through with an eye roll as his steps also slowed into a trudge.

Later -

"Hello? Anyghosty here?" He had entered a long gallery of paintings... or more accurately frames. He heard a giggle as he turned the corner to go down the stairs, saw one of the ghosts - who winked at him saucily before vanishing to another frame. He tried following her, but the pattern kept repeating - line of vision, a wink, and she'd go to a different frame. Frustrated, he moved into the next room and took his emotions out on some skeletons... and received a bow and arrow set. He muttered something about being better than a slingshot (which he was still mad he couldn't use even though it was for "kiddie Link" and now he had a bow) and headed back into the room with the ghost.

Navi was sure there was only one recourse to dealing with the flirty painting ghost. And though he had to do it... Harry felt there was something wrong about having to shoot her. But when he defeated her to get her portion of the elevator's power since he'd had to quiz her about what was going on, Jo calmly shrugged and commented that her novels would be best sellers from telling the true story.

"My sisters and I were killed, you see... which is just as well. After all, no one truly becomes famous until after they are dead. Like saints!" She struck a pious pose. Harry felt it would be cruel to disillusion her and just responded by smiling. With a bat of her eyelashes, she told him where her next sister could be found... just across the hall.

Beth was a little more difficult, but since she was still sickly even after death, she was more than happy to give up. Amy was apparently the third ghost and liked to play with blocks. She decided over-dramatic was the way to go with her defeat, screaming "LAURIE!" before telling Harry how to beat the eldest sister Meg - "She spins... the others don't" -, who would be waiting for him in the lobby where the elevator to Saria's cell would be. The hint didn't make sense until Meg started to create clones and he would have to guess which was her when they appeared.

Down the elevator and into the central chamber he went, expecting Saria to be right there. But she wasn't... instead, he was confronted with a "phantom Voldie". It was kind of like a ghost and kind of like a dementor, so he handled it as such a creature - Arrows charged with a hint of Din's Fire. It seemed to work...

Before long, he found himself with refilled health and back in the Chamber of Sages where Saria was standing on one of the platforms for sages. Well that's weird. Plus...

"Dang it... So I'm Dead? Pift, and before I got to do all the things I wanted to to you... guess I don't need this anymore." She threw him a shiney green disk. Harry decided it would be much easier to not correct her assumption and went on to the next problem.

"I thought you never grew up..."

"Apparently, being a sage kind of messed that up too. Dead and having to be a sage..."

And before the Light Sage could correct her assumption, Harry vanished to start the next stage of his quest.


	12. Chapter 9: The Flaming AlcheErr Sage

_Sarin: You forgot to beg for reviews last chapter..._

Jem: Details Details...

_Sarin: ... Who are you and what have you done with her?_

Jem: Sorry... Just tired. Getting through first trimester apparently means that now I sleep on a weird schedule or something. Not that that won't happen about Halloween-ish_._

_Sarin: That's right, Ladies and Gents! Jem and Ryuu are expecting! Woohoo!_

Jem: Oh, and I do Mary Kay now. And love it.

_Sarin: Now that's done... will you type up the next chappy?_

Jem: Why not? Still own nothing.

_Sarin: Here we go... oh and there's a part where I'll make a note or two to help you track the convo. You're welcome._

__Enter_Next_Chapter_Here_._

If the last temple was any indication, the next place to visit was probably, and unfortunately, the "Male Models' Colony" to check on them. Going there for only a quick visit couldn't possibly cause any trouble, he figured... big mistake, he realized as he was mobbed by the models.

"Liiiiiink! Be a darling and save him, won't you?"

"Save who?" Harry asked, trying to back away and hitting one of the walls instead.

"Why, Daruna, out Faaaaaabulous leader of course." Nope, no concept of personal space...

"Oh... ok. But where is he?"

"The Secret Temple, of course."

"And I get there..."

The model laughed. "Oh I reeeeeeally shouldn't tell you... But since you're a member, I guess I can." He leaned close so that he could whisper it. "Oh, don't worry Link... you're claimed but we really don't want just Anyone to know how to get in... the noobies and all. Anyway, the entrance is behind the statue in Daruna's office. But you'll need a red tunic before you can enter. Club Rules."

Deciding he really didn't want to know the meaning behind being 'claimed,' he decided to ask about the last comment. "Club?"

"Oh, well it used to be a club... before those protesters decided to camp out outside of the Other entrance. Those PEOPLE! Anyway... To get in, people needed to wear a red tunic. Anything else, or anything happening inside, is completely irrelevant. The red tunic is a mark of a member and will allow the person into Any part of the club." The model winked suggestively.

"So where would I get one?" Harry asked, his discomfort nearly palpable.

"Oh... from his kid Link."

"Umm... Still Harry, by the way."

"You're silly... He named his kid After you."

"... How...?"

"Oh, well occaaaaaationally we invite these 'ladies' and... well..."

Harry covered his ears and practically ran over the still explaining model to find the kid. He found the brat running all over the colony with a particular fondness for the area right above his father's office. When he was finally caught and heard what Harry wanted, he decided it was time for a little bit of... well..

"Fifty rupees."

"What?"

"I'll give you one of my dad's red shirts for fifty rupees."

Harry dug through his pockets and came up short. "How about forty nine?"

"FIFTY!"

"It's ONE rupee!"

"Precisely."

"Is that any way to treat your namesake?"

"Really?"

"I suppose... That's what I'm told anyway... Are you Harry or Link?"

"Both."

"Well... no one else can get my name right." After a minute where the kid was thinking, Harry ventured to ask. "So... can I have a shirt?"

"Will you really pay for it?"

"Does it matter?" 

"Does this seem like it came from Whose Line?"

"What are you talking about?" _(H)_

"Do you watch Telly?"

"So what if I do?"

"Haven't you seen that show?"

"Which show?"

"Don't you want the shirt?"

"Can I not pay for it?" _(H)_

"Do I have a choice?"

"Can't you see I don't have the money?"

"Are you lying?"

"Do you think I am?"

"Are you having fun playing with me?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Don't you know?"

"Should I care?" _(H)_

"Do you want to keep playing?"

"Can't we stop?"

"... Fine!"

"Thank you" The quickfire conversation of questions had left Harry a little confused and breathless. They both sat panting for a minute, but of course the child was able to recover before Harry did.

"Thanks for the great game." He smiled. But when Harry asked for the shirt, the boy groaned. Reluctantly, he handed a red tunic over once they got to his father's office. "I was hoping you just liked the game as much as I did... and that's the only reason I'm giving it you, because no one else will play it with me."

"For a kid, you have a great vocabulary and are quick with the questions." Harry complemented as he clutched his prize.

He didn't see the evil grin that spread over the child's face, or the jewels placed in the kid's hand from a masked man, as Voldie began from the safety of his castle to hum a funeral march.

LATER -

*DING DING DING* "HEY!"

Honestly, Harry thought to himself glumly, much more of this and he's kill the blasted thing himself. It just glowed and shouted and flirted with statues and whacked him when he wouldn't look at the things it wanted him to and bobbed all over and let Saria into everything... and took those blasted pictures constantly... and needed to get OUT OF HIS PANTS RIGHT NOW! A mental image of him chasing Navi with a fly swatter made a creepy smile grow.

Sheik, when he had arrived with the new song had snickered at the sight of him doing "DIN'S DRAMATIC DISCO" to try to get Navi out of his pants, had said it was "positive proof, once and for all, that he was *snicker* flaming"... and of course "FARORE'S FANTASTIC FLAILING" didn't help his case either with it's twirling and the fact it was supposed to warp him.

He skulked as he ran though the temple, mentally making a note to hurt the model who had conveniently forgotten to mention that some of his friends had been locked in the club when... - he stopped.

What had happened? All anyone had said was that the club had had to be closed down. There was no mention of why or what happened... probably health regulations, Harry figured as he looked around the club. After all, who would be crazy enough to build a club... in an... active. . . volcano... VOLCANO?

Daruna appeared at Harry's elbow as that realization sank in and before he could begin to run away. "Hey Link! I absolutely Loooove your shirt. Does that mean -"

"NO! I came to free you! Everyone sad you were in trouble!"

"Awww... you came to find me... All that fuss over little old me? Why Link -"

*DING DING DING* Saved by the fairy, Harry thought as Daruna was distracted by the annoying glowing ball from what he was about to croon. When the distraction was over, Daruna had forgotten what he was going to say and instead...

"Oh, and there's nothing to worry about. Our pet dragon that controls all the strobe lights and the like... He had some indigestion and it was making him throw a bit of a fit. Really just a bit of PMS is all... Dragons can be Such fussy temperamental creatures, ya know?"

Harry took the chance to peer behind Daruna as he was making this explanation to see the source of the problem lounging on a chaise with a heap of fresh meat beside it and an extra-large cocktail. The huge fiery creature appeared to be sulking. Suddenly, it looked up at him and began to stare.

"Umm... Hi..." He tried to smile at the beast, which surprisingly leaped up and pounced him - amazingly, the "huge" creature upon closer examination was the size of a small to medium lapdog, the size of a cocker spaniel. And like dogs of those size, it began to lick his face only slightly toasting him.

The shiney blue light captured Daruna and Harry, transporting them to the Chamber of Sages. Daruna flipped the red disk to Harry from... Harry figured he didn't want to know where.

A strange ending to a strange task in a strange place and a strange situation. How... Strange.

__Tune in next time for... _._

_Sarin: Review. Favorite. You know you wanna. Cookies for all!_

Jem: ... I think you are on something, Sarin. You're being... nice.

_Sarin: ... FIRE BRIMSTONE FANTASTIC FIRE IN THIS CHAPTER! Better?_

Jem: ... Sure... we'll go with that._  
_


	13. Chapter 10: Ice is nice or not

_Sarin: ... Are we working on finishing this soon or something? Cuz the updates coming this fast, it's weird for you._

Jem: I could go work on like... the book I'm working on.

_Sarin: Your fans would send you more death threats (which she actually liked getting one for not updating... she's a weird one)_

Jem: ... Pretty sure that was you. You're the muse.

_Sarin: She has no money, and the little she does, she's using... silly thing being a grown up and responsible. So she still doesn't own but for one, maybe two copies (now she has NeoRyu777's stuff) of the games and the books._

__Hello_Chappy_._

"Your warping powers are off, me thinks." The snide drawl surprised Harry as he was plunged into a pool of icy water. He looked around, but couldn't find the owner of the voice. He could have sworn it was Draco, but... wait... wait, since when had he been just Draco? And when had he even mentally stopped protesting to that fact? He sighed. Stupid male models messing with his mind. A great block of red ice floating by attracted his attention. Red... Ice. He stared at it, puzzled over how it could have formed...

"What the - OW!" If he hadn't been treading water, he would have been able to rub his head. Wondering what had hit him, he looked around to find a bottle floating nearby, surprisingly unbroken by its sudden decent into his cranium. Even more surprising was that there was this weird blue fire inside the bottle, glimmering fiercly in the wintery light. As if things weren't weird enough already, he thought as he tried to grab it and swim... somewhere. Bottles, as far as he knew, didn't fall from the sky... unless... He reached a shore to find the scarecrow across the lake had seen the whole thing and was screaming something about how the sky was falling on repeat... Joy. Another Crazy One.

Now granted, a free bottle of fire from nowhere... Harry wasn't about to complain. Gifts were gifts... The complaints though started when a pair steel toed boots fell on his foot as he finally made it completely out of the lake and onto the stump with the triangles under... yes... another tree. Naturally, "OW!" and hopping around holding his foot (dropping the bottle of fire in the process) was fodder for the comedian in purple spandex sitting in the bare tree. Somehow, Sheik managed to stay quiet and hidden despite being obviously exposed.

"Today just isn't my day." Harry muttered, watching in shock as somehow dropping the bottle made the cork pop out and the blue fire escaped. From the red ice to Harry's pants, the flame licked greedily. As Harry's clothes threatened to go up entirely in flames, Harry realized that the blue fire was cold... it completely defied logic since blue flame usually is one of the hottest. Then again... the scarecrow's cries still were echoing across the lake. Nope, made perfect sense.

This step in logic was quickly broken as the icy flames were extinguished when he was doused with a bucket of icy cold water. Great. Double cold now, Harry could only shiver as he glared from beneath the bucket which had followed the water and fit like an adult baseball cap on a small child in the general direction of the figure in the tree who was practically dying now from laughter. The laughter echoed in the bucket-hat until Harry managed to finally work it off. A song followed the laughter and Harry found himself dumped back into the lake. Sputtering, he rose to the surface and before even trying to get out of the lake, decided to just glare directly at Sheik who proceeded to fall out of the tree in hilarity. Miraculously, and much to Harry's disappointment, Sheik landed on his feet without an injury.

"Not... that... funny...!" Harry gasped, from cold and from the successive shocks to his system.

Sheik managed to stop laughing just long enough to reply "Yes. Yes it is!" before dissolving to laughter yet again at Harry-Link, Drowned Rat of Hyrule. Suddenly, he sobered. "You know, Link... Red is Really not your color." He tossed a blue shirt at Harry, who floundered to capture it before it could float/sink away from him after it landed with a faint, dull smack not terribly far from him. Sheik watched Harry struggle for a minute before an evil idea appeared and he pulled his harp. Now Harry had to fight between swimming and catching the shirt before it sank and pulling his ocarina, which was kind of an involuntary reflex at this point...

"The blue shirt... it will help you not drown." Sheik offered as he hid the harp behind his back again.

Harry shrieked. "I am Not changing in front of you! Especially not in this water!"

"Oh really?" Sheik began to pull the harp again, causing Harry to flounder a little again.

"Ok ok! I give!" Harry finally succeeded in catching the shirt.

Taking pity on the drowning 'hero,' Sheik played the Serenade again, which weirdly brought Harry back up onto the podium instead of re-dumping him in the Lake again. While Harry regained his breath and tried to get warm, Sheik explained that the temple was inside the island. "Steel toed boots... Never in style, but they'll have to do for this thing because you're too fat to sink. And the door's got a hooksot swi- and unless you wanna drown again, Change Your Shirt. The blue one apparently has an oxygen tank built in or something." A stony glare hit Sheik, causing him to stagger back, hand on his heart, and in his Most dramatic fashion... "I do... and do... and do for you... and this is the thanks I get?" The glare lightened but didn't disappear. "Fine! I'll turn around." And did.

Harry did as well... and when he turned back found Sheik was staring at him. With a laugh, Sheik threw a smoke bomb and vanished, taking the red shirt with him, leaving Harry sputtering. An echo brought back to him "The blue brings out your green eyes and is totally your color... Though you are a winter, red is Sooooo not your color."

"You already said that," Harry muttered as he prepared to dive into the depths to reach the temple. Sinking to the bottom and entering, he missed hearing a last bit of information, something he would regret finding out in person a few minutes later.

...

"JERK!"

Harry spun two rooms later to find himself face to face with a very angry psudo-mermaid who looked a little familiar. "Excuse me?"

"Seven Years!"

"Huh?"

"You left me at the alter seven years ago!"

"Umm... I'm sorry?"

""Sorry? SORRY? What good is 'sorry'? I'm a Princess! You just don't... stand up... A princess!"

"... How exactly did I do this?"

She looked at him, aghast. "Do you have Any Idea who I Am?"

"No, but I have a feeling you're about to tell me..." Harry muttered, still a little surprised he could talk underwater.

"Roto."

"..."

"PRINCESS Roto. The mermaid you saved. Your fiancee."

"Sorry, not ringing any bells..."

"Zora Engagement Ring..."

"Nope."

"The shiney blue stone..."

"OMG, you're that brat I saved from the whale?"

"... I should kill you..."

"Umm... Can this wait until later?"

"What could POSSIBLY be more important?"

"... Unfreezing your people? Saving the world? You know... all that day to day stuff that Somehow I've become in charge of?"

"You'll have to do better."

"... Buying you very expensive wedding and apology gifts..."

"Oh... well, I suppose that IS more important..." She left then, not giving any hints of how he could save anyone or beat this temple.

"... Girls are weird." He murmured once he was sure she was out of hearing.

*DING DING DING* "HEY!"

"What is it, Navi?" She smacked him. "HEY!"

Not Long After -

"Oh look... another locked room... and a tree in the middle. Oooooo... scary..."

"Maybe you should be scared," his own voice echoed back, almost hauntingly. Harry looked around and, seeing no one, continued his walk through the perfectly circular room... only to be stopped when the voice spoke again. "You know... only crazy people can draw perfectly circular circles... must have had some builders of the same sort."

"I'm pretty sure that's just a myth." Harry responded absently, examining the door for a way in. Finding none, he turned around to find himself face to face with... still nothing. Bars covering the door usually means a mini-boss, by this time he was well aware... but where was it?

"Down here, stupid."

Ah of course... his Sha.. dow... WHAT? Harry jumped back and saw to his horror the shadow didn't follow his movements but instead was three dimensional in front of him. And drawing its sword and shield. And running at him screaming "BLOODY MURDER!"

Saria piped up,l as always at the worst possible time. "Don't bend over, Link! He has his thick broad sword pointed right at you!"

Harry looked dryly at the fairy-phone even as impending doom closed in on him. "Yes, I don't think I noticed..."

Time froze as Saria's realizations took on a whole new color. "Wait, so it that's another you and you both live and escape... *Gasp* Threesome!"

Harry's shadow froze in disgust and quickly melted back into the floor. Obviously, the mental image of Saria nekkid forced his surrender. Harry shuddered and went on to collect his prize, his shadow meeky following behind him.

Later-

The boss was a bundle of nerves in a moving puddle's tenticle. Couple slices and the deed was done and dried up. The blue beam of light took him to the Sage's Temple.

"Link... I guess I'm a Sage so I'm sorry... I can't marry you."

"Oh... ok..." Harry had already forgotten.

"Hey! What do you mean, Miss Blue and Ugly? Link's mine! He's going to marry me!" Saria screamed across the room from her pedestal.

"No way, Greenie! He's mine. We were Engaaaaaaged."

"Not Possible! He'd never -"

Harry was happy to vanish back to the island in the middle of the lake, grabbing Roto's blue disk before she could even notice he was leaving much to his joy. He hated being in the middle of that sort of thing... ah, home sweet home - just as annoying here as it ever was there.

The sun was rising over the lake, a lucky break for him as his next instruction from the breezy voice that sounding something like Sheik's was to "shoot the sun." The physics were clearly impossible, but when he did it, something fell back to earth on a neighboring island. Swimming there, he found what fell. Oh look, fire arrows! After getting them, he looked around to try to figure out where to go... and since Sheik was not around to help him, he had to go looking for him. To the village!

_Chappy End_.

_Sarin: Least Harry's shadow is out of their mutual super-sized closet..._

Jem: *enjoying her popcorn as she rereads as an editing tool* Shhhhh... not like it's a secret but still...

_Sarin: Hope you enjoyed and review!_


	14. Chapter 11: Down the Rabbit Hole

_Sarin: *wearing a big cowboy hat* Do you feel lucky, fans? Well do ya?_

Jem: ... You totally can't pull that off...

_Sarin: If I wasn't psychotically evilly constantly planning your destruction..._

Jem: Mmmmmhmmmm... Right.

_Sarin: blablabla disclaimer. Oh, and we added a Dark Link scene to the last chappy in case you read it YESTERDAY... Jem's got a little updating fever.  
_

__I'm a chappy, lovely lovely chappy, I'm a chappy, lovely lovely me_._

"Home sweet home." Sheik was, for once, early in his spontaneous appearance and was walking with Harry as they entered the gate to enter the Sheikah Village... which was going up in flames. Oops.

"Oh no! The well is on fire! Run Link Run." Somehow knowing that Harry was going to be stubborn and not do as suggested for fear of "losing his manliness" (a thought that always made Sheik snicker), it did not inspire him to have put much inflection or emphasis on the suggestion. And true to form, Harry stood his ground as a smokey purple cloud rose lazily from the well. It didn't look too fearsome... until it spotted Harry, seemed to grin maniacally, and tornado-ed its way toward him. Too late, Harry drew his sword... not that anyone - except apparently our fearless hero - really expected a sword to do Anything against a cloud. Therefore, the sentient cloud got the opportunity to beat the shit out of the Chosen Hero with no chance of getting hit back.

When Harry finally revived, he found himself looking into the worried eyes of his "friend." As a hardly restrained groan of pain escaped, he realized the ground under his head was oddly soft and that his head was elevated. A blush he hoped could be explained away from the heat of the just put out fire crept over his face upon realizing that Sheik had heard the pained groan and that his head was probably in said person's lap. The answer to that was quickly revealed as Sheik stood up and Harry's already hurt head whapped the ground.

"Well... glad to see you're ok." Another embarrassing groan was all that Harry responded. Sheik continued, "Just so we're clear, I have let you off super easy on this mini-quest thing, so I am Not going to just Give you the superspecial magnifying glass stuck at the bottom of the well. Nope, you're going to have to go get it yourself. And to do that..." Sheik's attitude shifted as what would have been an evil smirk crossed his face if you could see all of it... although Harry had seen enough that what he could see left him slightly worried at the next part of the sentence "you're going to have to go back to being that goofy looking little kid again. The windmill guy will tell you all you need to know... but better hurry, that well isn't just going to drain itself!"

And with that, Sheik vanished, the new warp melody ringing in Harry's ears as well as the bells from what he was starting to suspect might be serious brain damage from all the beatings he'd incurred. Struggling to his feet, he swayed to the windmill. The door was old and creaked as he forced it open. When there was just enough room, he peeked inside to make sure he wasn't going to get eaten or anything just for entering. Instead what he found was...

"They're coming to take me away, haha they're coming to take me away hohohehehaha to the funny farm where - oh hello there."

"Umm... hi."

"Are you here to replace me so those nice young men in their clean white coats-"

"Oh, um no. I'm here because I heard you have a melody in your head..."

"Why yes, Doctor! I do have a song stuck in my head!"

Harry looked at the kook, puzzled at his reaction but decided to go with it. "And to get it out, you'd have to teach it to someone. That's the usual remedy. So may I hear it?"

The man looked confused as well. "But Doctor... if you hear it won't you go mad too?"

"I'm a professional, so I think I'll be ok."

The man seemed to accept this and picked up his accordion. After a note or two however, he just picked up splice between a manual music box and an old gramophone, which he had luckily had had sitting next to him and began to play the song within. The tune was very repetitive and the man couldn't seem to stop playing it once he had started, so Harry could easily see how this song had driven the man out of his mind. And yet... he had to learn it. He pulled his ocarina out... and the crazy man screamed!

"Doctor Doctor Give me the News I got a Bad Case of... fear of that thing. It all started when a brat came in and played that thing and the windmill went crazy and the well drained and the song - the sooooooong! It never left my head, Doctor. IT NEVER LEFT MY-"

Harry ran from the windmill, afraid the man would come after him and perhaps even kill him. From hearing the song that many times, he figured he knew it anyway... Quickly, he warped to the Temple of Time. As he approached the pedestal where time flowed more freely, he wondered briefly how he could possibly return through time to when he was a kid again. Lost in thought, he was brought back to his senses when Navi slammed into him.

"HEY"

"Hey yourself you stupid annoying flying-"

She slammed into him again, causing him to trip up a step which somehow ended up sending the Master Sword flying precisely point down into exactly the indentation where he had pulled it out. Time whooshed past him. Guess that answers that question.

Harry looked at his once more chibi-fied body in annoyance. On the bright side, he thought, at least I don't need to go through the voice cracking and the acne again... this way Is a lot easier...

Short little legs pumping, he ran back to the village. He tried everything to make the well drain - playing it next to the well, in the grave yard, all around town, even doing a rain dance (much to everyone's amusement and Saria's pervy comments... oh yeah, he had somehow forgotten about those)... until the realization hit, much to his shock and horror, that he would have to try inside the windmill, in front of the music man, and play the song that would drive the guy crazy. "!" Stupid conscience.

-Skipping the Whiny Angsty Scene Where Navi is Forced to Beat Harry Up and Make Him Enter the Windmill-

He crept in and played it very softly in the doorway. Nothing. A little louder, still as far away from the guy as possible. Still Nothing. Reluctantly and with Navi somehow managing to find a gun to hold to his head, Harry was marched up to the music man and forced to play, cursing Navi and swearing revenge.

After leaving the windmill, Harry peered over the edge of the well that had caused him so much trouble and ruined the music man's life (as far as he knew...) to see what the big deal was. He whistled seeing the drop and listened to the echo come back to him. "Long way down..."

"Sure is!" A voice came. And before Harry could even try to place it, he felt himself being toppled into the well.

A few baddies later and he found himself face to... creepy stalk-like hands with this thing called a "Dead Hands". Nope, couldn't figure out why Harry thought with a hint of sarcasm as he saw the body of the creature emerge once he'd 'killed' a hand. Slash slack hack hack and the magnifying glass was his.

"... That was strangely easy..." Saria's voice rang out. Finally something on topic! Or... not... "If you can see the truth of things with that... does that mean it can see through clothes?"

The practically strangled hero glared at the still happy bouncing glowing ball. Didn't that thing ever get hit? What was Wrong with it? Always so happy and cheerful and Shiiiiiney - He stopped himself out of the sudden lust for fairy blood. He had to get out of here! He was even starting to sound like these... People!

Shaking his head, he warped back to the Temple of Time and heaved the sword out of the stone again like a bad King Arthur impersonator again.

__moving on_._

_Sarin: Your line breaks are starting to be telling..._

Jem: I'm not even going to respond to that.

_Sarin: Reviewing is nice._


	15. Chapter 12: Shadow Temple of the Day

_Sarin: OMG! AN UPDATE!  
_

Jem: Heeeeeey... I updated recently...

_Sarin: . . ._

Jem: T.T' You're so mean...

_Sarin: Can't let you forget that! Now where'd we leave that little sucker - I mean, hero... ah yes...  
_

__DUN DUN DUUUUUUN_._

"Now where am I going...?" Harry mused aloud, figuring that the sarcastic figure in purple spandex (who it weirdly didn't look awful on) was around somewhere just waiting for the chance to snark. Lo and behold, an echo started.

"Play the song, play the song, play the song..."

Deciding tohave a little fun with the voice, he pretended to look confused. "Which song? I have so many... and I doubt my newest one will really help me. I mean, rain in the temple?"

"The Nocturne of Shadow, you idiot!" The voice apparently didn't find it as funny or clever as it had sounded in Harry's head. It had sounded like it was right next to him, but when he looked... no one was there. The drawl became more pronounced the more annoyed Sheik got, Harry noticed stifling a smirk and chuckle that he figured would get him smacked. Before any retaliation could even start, therefore, he played the prescribed song and flew off to the Shadow Temple.

"... Of course the Temple of Shadow would be entered from a balcony in the graveyard. As if the name Shadow Temple wasn't creepy enough, they had to make it a Temple in a GRAVEYARD! It's probably full of skeletons and zombies and those stupid invisible insta-kill hands."

"Those are called Floormasters, Link."

"Thanks Saria..." He was too tired to even care right then that she had been eavesdropping through Navi. Seriously... When did this Link guy ever get to sleep? Never mind that the "Sun Song" also being able to change it to night time was still making him argue with the name (the wind had suggested that it controlled the sun... and the Song of Time really couldn't be argued since it was connected to the temple with the same name and purpose.

Finally entering the cave, he was surprised to see a room of unlit torches and a stage in the middle of them. "Let me guess..." he asked no one. "You would have to have gotten Din's Disco to move further, so now I'm supposed to display my skills at Din's Disco here so all the torches will light."

"Yeah, pretty much." Navi replied, following it up with a push toward the stage. He hated how many functions she had been given with the upgrade from FairyTalkie to FairyPhone. Too many apps!

Running through the door, one task accomplished, he stared in horror at the series of sudden pits before him. Whose bright architecture idea Was this place? At least the first one had an easy to find, easy to shoot long shot target. The second looked impossible until he noticed the statue in the middle of the room, sign right next to him. Pretty simple looking puzzle... point the bird beak statue at the "real" skull instead of one of the illusions. One peek through the Eye of Truth and the door to the next puzzle and a way ... kind of across... revealed itself. Still... that looked like an awfully long jump to make, so Harry reasonably decided to go to the door next to him.

Weary of his journey and feeling a might peeved at the world, he couldn't help the sarcastic comment that escaped. "The next prize better be the winged shoes of Mercury!" Another Dead Hand battle later, and he was able to shrug and say "close enough," hover boots in hand. He couldnt help laughing as Navi kept turning funny colors form all the ectoplasm in the air and found much delight in getting to beat on her a little if she got possessed... not that he could truely guess what the signs of possession might look like in this world.

He began to leave, thinking that maybe he could go out, get some more gear... maybe head to the next temple and try it since wherever that was HAD to be less creepy. And then the voice came, the voice that always knew how to goad him into something he truly didn't want to do...

"Scared Potter?"

And the knee jerk reaction to those words in that voice came spilling out before he knew what was happening. "You wish!" And back in he went, not making the conscious connection that he should have.

(Quick notelet from Jem: I tend to do this far into playing the Shadow Temple, and like Harry get tired of the creepy and go do Spirit. However, due to the nature of this fic and the fact it will flow better this way instead of having to come back... and because I love being mean to him... ^_^)

As Harry had figured out from the beginning... The rest of the dungeon contained redeads, skeletons, bats, more skeletons, invisible creepy things, swinging axes from nowhere, guillotines... obviously this was some necromancer's idea of the perfect place to live and he'd invited Marie Antoinette to share in the experience. Harry, the uninvited guest, got to trip all the traps. All in a day's work by now for our lovable Lin- err... Harry.

From the tall reaches of a tower in the castle claimed as his after the invasion of Hyrule, the villain waited and watched his every move. He chuckled evilly as he saw Harry being more and more integrated into this video game world. And all its Shiiiiiiiiiiiineyness!

Upon opening the boss door, Harry found himself falling onto... the top of a drum? A pair of hands began a party beat, trying to shake Harry off the top as if he was a grain of rice or something equally small and shakable. When Harry learned what he must do to defeat this boss, he almost felt sorry for the invisible cyclops. Poor thing, having to be shot in the eye with an arrow... especially since once defeated it wasn't such a giant as it had looked when they were fighting. It was about the size of the house elf sage and so not very threatening unless the illusions of the temple awakened.

In the chamber of sages, Impa looked very pleased to see him.

"Purple Shiny Disk!" Impa smiled as she shoved it into the hands of 'Master Link.' "Now go save Mistress Draco. No tea and chocolate makes grumpy. Hope evil scaly man no capture..."

"I'M NOT SCALY!" roared the voice of said 'evil scaly man,' seemingly from nowhere.

Impa then proceeded to poke Navi a few times and managed to put her back on the right channel - 'ALL SOS, ALL THE TIME' the call came just in time.

"HELP! SPIRIT *crackle crackle* TEMPLE *fizzle crackle crackle*"

"And he's off!" the sages all called as they teleported Harry out of their midst in the crystal of blue light. He was going back to where he belonged... on the way to the next temple!

_._End of this part_._

_Sarin: TADA! I pulled a chappy out of the JemKitty!  
_

Jem: I'm not a hat for rabbits...

_Sarin: Review!_


	16. Chapter 13: Women Women Everywhere!

_Sarin: So... You're back..._

Jem: Um... not like you're not usually odd and condescending and all... but what are you on about this time?

_Sarin: It's been hoooooow long?_

Jem: By far this is not my longest time without updating! Thanks to all the reviewers and people who fave-d me!

_Sarin: ... Just go get the notebook already... _

Jem: *goes and gets it, grumbling slightly*

Sarin:_ Let's see now... She still owns . . . *looks around the apartment* theoretically carpet under all the piles of junk-mail and bills... darn you responsibility!  
_

__IT'S AN UPDATE!__

"... HELLO? IS ANYONE HERE? ANYONE? I'VE BEEN SITTING HERE FOREVER - "

_"_HEY_"_

"Not now Navi... AND I'M COLD AND SICK AND HUNG- ... wait... no, I'm not I'm just... I'M REALLY REALLY HUNGRY! WHY AM I IN A JAIL ANYWAY? WHAT'D I EVER DO TO - ow... HEY!" A big lump of hard bread had been tossed down to the basement and struck him neatly on the head.

_"_Shut up!" A female guard yelled, poking her head to look down at the prisoner. _"_Like, you're like in there because like you tried to like sneak into our sorority house! Like we don't like like boys who like snoop since like they always like want to like... oh why am I explaining it to you!" She rolled her eyes as she straightened up from looking through the trap door and muttered to herself "What a baby... it's like only like been like two minutes or something..."

Looking for something to hit, Harry found he couldn't see the itty bitty fairy he adored so much. Finally deciding to look above his head in case she'd developed a brain to stay away from him, he saw her glowing form floating next to an open window. Grinning slightly maniacally, he carefully aimed his longshot.

TWACK! Dang it, he missed.

Letting the force of the chain pull him up, he dropped back to the ground. Ah, this was the life... stories off the ground and falling without a broom with no risk of actually seriously injuring himself... (AN: but will he feel it if he escapes... That even I am not quite sure) All he had to do now was find a way through the huge facility, find a way to make the girls open the giant gate, sneak into the secret building they called the "Spirit Temple" where all the records were kept. Since it was rumored to be "like Haunted," he doubted he would meet any of the crazy girls after getting in... but of course that was the hard part.

On his way through the Sorority House of Hugeness, he was not surprised to find other guys who had been imprisoned in some of the side rooms_._ Strangely enough, however, they were more than a little reluctant to leave. Harry shook his head in concern as the last of them left... must have been all the pink sparkles getting to them in some hypnotic way or something. Although that last guy Had said something about not wanting to keep his frat brothers waiting.

"Like, clever,_" _the vice-president of the sorority smirked. "We've like, been trying to like, do that like, all night. Here, wanna be my boyfriend?"

"Ummmm... no thanks. I already have a girlfriend."

"Like, oh goodie! GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRLS! This one's like, SAFE!"

And then, a half-dozen crying girls attacked, flooding his ears with their issues. Harry found himself dwelling on Draco, listening to all their problems. Maybe... ? Nah, it'd never work. Though they had been "pulling pigtails" for a long time... suddenly, words caught his attention. "We'll like, let you have like, an Honorary Membership Card. Like, to thank you for like, helping us. You like, totally give such like, great advice."

Funny. He couldn't remember giving any advice. But who's to deny free access anywhere he wanted? He got a bigger quiver for his arrows, some Ice Arrows, "because like, what do we like, need with that BOY stuff?"

SO... MUCH... PINK, MAKEUP AND PERFUME! HE ESCAPED!

Somewhere, Sheik laughed.

_._

After crossing the Zen Garden Desert, which required following the ghost caretaker around as she absentmindedly pulled weeds from the sand and stone and combed it back into perfect place while leading him toward the temple since the puddles of quicksand were "just around for some variety and flavor", Harry finally found himself on the doorstep of the Totally Secret Spirit Temple. Of course though, our favorite blond in spandex was already there.

"Last Temple, Link."

"... Harry." He was getting slower with the correction, Harry realized. And it annoyed him terribly, especially since he could almost feel the condescending smirk coming from the guy on the gate, even if he couldn't see it. Thinking back, he suddenly recalled something even more horrifying... He'd told the sorority girls his name was Link! Oh my god NO!

"Anyway, the sorority president got trapped here seven years ago and I'm sure the girls will want her back. After all..." Sheik jumped down and the smirk, though still hidden behind his mask, was coming through even clearer, "you are the Hero. On that Note... Ready to learn your new song?"

"Very punny..."

"I thought so..." Sheik taught him the song and was just about to vanish when he seemed to remember something. "Oh and Harry? Before you go much farther, I'd suggest blowing up that wall."

"Thanks for the tip... but why are you telling me about it?"

"Becaaaaause... there's Treasure in there?"

"Will I get in trouble with the girls?"

"Nah, they want the rubble cleared anyway... and no one really comes out this far anyway. Haunted and all... The president had hidden an... Initiation artifact of the nearby fraternity house when she was captured by the housemothers. See? All well as good."

"Oh... ok then."

Finally! An Adventure!

Waltzing into the temple, he stared at the huge black rock. He pushed. He pulled. He made sparks by swinging at it with his sword. He... couldn't get it to even shift a millimeter. Sulking out miserably at his so far failure to get into the temple, he just managed to see Sheik before the mocking began anew.

"Stuck?"

"Noooooo... I just don't feel like moving it right now."

"Oh, is that so... then I guess you don't want to save the president as quickly as possible? Is that what I'm hearing, Hero?"

Harry grimaced. He knew he'd spent too much time with the girls if he was starting to whine like them. And trying to figure out just how much pink glitter the PRESIDENT of the sorority would be covered in made him grimace even more.

He was about to warp when Sheik pointed out the still standing offending boulder just outside the temple walls. Grumbling, he went over and blew it up... and found himself face to ... well... with the last pointy boobed naked Great Fairy (or so she said... you can never tell with them). She almost didn't give him her gift, Nayru's Love, though because he managed to make it through almost if not the entire encounter looking into her eyes instead of allowing a perusal elsewhere.

Pouting, she finally gave him her gift. And then... "So... What?"

"Huh?" Harry's concentration wavered but still held strong.

"Why are you ignoring me? You're a good looking guy... I'm a woman with pretty clothes on... Why aren't you looking at my outfit?"

"It's made of _vines_."

"...So?"

"So it doesn't actually cover anything."

"... So?"

"So it wouldn't be polite to ogle you."

"So don't be polite."

"No! I'm not going to look!"

"Oh... oooh... I get it now..." Now Harry was completely confused. What did she mean, 'she got it.'

"Get what?" He asked, tentitively.

"That you're gay."

". . . WHAT?"

"Now now... It's ok that you're gay, dear... I won't take your lack of interest personally. Have a lovely rest of the day."

"I... I... I..." She gently turned the speechless hero around and guided him toward the door. Then she dived back into her pool, just in time to miss the soft shocked protest. "But I'm not..."

Helplessly, he warped back to the temple of time to become a kid again.

__Harry Reached 'Girlfriend' Status?_  
_

Jem: Soooo... just in case anyone was wondering, yes this is actually the way I am.

_Sarin: About half of this has actually escaped her at one point or another... not to mention the commentary I've had to endure while Ryuu reads his reviews. She about killed him laughing._

Jem: Just because to the comment 'Wow... Aizen DOES sound like the good guy there,' my reaction was "I sounded like the good guy... I Had to fix that!" ...

_Sarin: and to his explanation of how Aizen was the chick's former commander and they were talking on a battleground in the middle (like one of those pause moments), she went "Well THAT's an important place to have a serious discussion"_

Jem: and when I read the part of the story that was all about, I might have exclaimed something to the effect of "Jeez, if anyone were to go 'Aizen! Speech, Speech!' the rest of the world would either be asleep or going 'NO! NO! DON'T GET HIM STARTED!'" since he's sooooooooooo long winded

_Sarin: and for some reason her talking out this little insight into our last half hour...  
_

Jem: It's the strangest thing...

_Sarin: Anyways... reviews make her happy!  
_


	17. Chapter 14: Spirited Away

_Sarin: "Save us, Alice..."_

Jem: ...Really Sarin... Really?

_Sarin: He started it! *points to the silly Dragon sitting next to Jem*_

Jem: He does make a nice scapegoat... but how did he start it this time?

_Sarin: The new game... it's invading my psyche! _

**Ryuu: You're going mad... mad as a hatter**

Jem: *rolls eyes at both of them... stops... thinks* Wait a minute... Sarin, you're my muse. You're -

_Sarin: *grins evilly and pulls up the chapter start*_

__Finding Caterpillar!__

He entered the Spirit Temple again, slowly, expecting to see the Sorority President in all her glittery pink glory. Instead he saw a girl with a long ponytail, a t-shirt, and jeans trying to figure out how to get in a tiny hole. Suddenly, she spotted him. "Hey kid! Yeah, you! Come over here!" He tried not to laugh as he saw the acne scars, glasses, and braces of the teenager. "You crawl in that hole, the boys stole my prom gloves and are trying to make them into armor for the cosplay contest at the video game convention in Hyrule Town. Get them back and I'll reward you."

Harry nodded and entered the hole.

One Bombos, a few hundred Keese, two really silly-looking armored video game conventionists, and a way-too-large chest later - not that kind of chest you fools - Harry pulled out the gloves, and heard a high-pitched whining scream. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT FOR PROM!"

Harry blinked, and looked over the edge of the giant hand he stood on, just in time to see the two house mothers capture her. She spotted him as they dragged her away, eyes gleaming happily despite her unfortunate circumstances, then she began to grumble. The only thing that caught his ears was something about being a fifth-year senior.

Unfortunately, this left Harry with no guidance on what to do next. He found himself for a split second wishing that the annoying little thing floating by his head would ring and give him something to do. Alas, as fate would have it, this was not to be. Which irritated him some, ironically. After much pondering, and a bit of heat stroke that caused hallucinations involving the spiky cactus making salad and souffle, a romantic dinner for two with the other party looking oddly like a purple jump-suited angel, complete with a platinum-hued halo.

It was that moment of epic realization that Navi recovered her spiteful nature. *Hero complex activated. Please stand by for transformation seque - oops, wrong story*

Harry, who was getting scarily used to all of this, graced the now-pink fairy with an odd look. "Mind telling me what just happened?"

Silence, at last. Right before the walkie-talkie stole the Ocarina and warped Harry back to the Temple of Time.

"I don't wanna grow up!" Why now Harry was throwing a temper tantrum, at this point in the adventure, is still a mystery.

*Take the sword, Link. It's your destiny!*

Now Navi was making sense... What the heeeeck? Finally, sulking Harry took the sword from the stone again, grew up, played the warping song to the Spirit Temple...

Harry glared at the tiny hole he'd gone through as a child - or was it two hours ago? How was he supposed to go into the temple if he was too big for the hole? (A/N: That's a common concern... no worries, you'll fit with enough preparation and lubrication. But since there is a PROPER aka Adult entrance...) How did he even know the girl was still here? It was, after all, seven years in her future. She should have been long gone and graduated. Shrugging, he looked for a new way into the temple.

"Put on the gloves, Link" an airy voice floated through the temple.

"But... but... they're not my SHADE! Wait! I mean, type! No! Wait! Umm... They're, they're... chainmail? Oh, they're ARMOR! Armor that will up my strength? Like my friendship bracelet from the Gorons? And it will help me get into the other side of the temple by letting me push this impossibly big and heavy rock that's in the way? Faaabulouuus!"

Now it was NAvi's turn to look at him funny, though how the ball of light managed that is uncertain. Saira's voice jarred its way into Harry's 'brilliant' moment. "Link, are you ok?"

"Never better! Now let's go save the Sorority girl, Navi! And then I want to attend their annual waffle bash. What must they think of me, missing for 7 years like that."

Somehow over the space of however Navi the living glowing walkie talkie thing worked for connecting to Saria, the two looked at each other in dismay. Saria sighed dejectedly. What was it all the heroes of Hyrule eventually went insane? Now to break it to the Sage Council... But wait! What...? Harry appeared in the center of the ruling chamber, dragging the unconscious body of the president.

"Someone had locked her in a suit of armor, all man in the iron mask style and tried to brainwash her. So I broke the locks on the armor and let her out. Oh hi, you're coming too?"

"What happened? I'm sure I look a fright. Where are the house mothers?"

"Well, mid-rescue, they tried to stop me from bringing you here to the Sage audience center, which doubles as a hospital. So I went through them."

"Did you hurt them?" Worry crept into her voice.

"Nope!" Everyone sighed in relief. "Killed them." GASP!

"Good. Now let me get my beauty sleep. I'll need it for ruling over my people asthe new national president of the sorority." She lay down for a nap.

"..." All the other sages were stunned until the newly awakened Sage of Spirit opened one eye.

"What? They brainwashed me. And stuck me in an iron suit. Eww! Fine, here take this pendant and go away..."

Harry got ready to teleport but stopped when he heard her last very soft words to respond, "You're welcome."

__Another girl kidnapped? Just as well, so stay tuned to find out who will be voted "most likely to be kidnapped!"__

Jem: *Turns to Sarin* We have a "Most Likely to be Kidnapped" going on?

_Sarin: *Shrugs* News to me... _

_(Oh, and I don't Think anyone reads these as soon as the update goes out but if you missed Nayru's Love... which was like an hour before I reupdated it because I wasn't happy with where I'd previously broken the chapters...)  
_


	18. Chapter 15: What Makes an Evil Laugh?

_Sarin: Jem. Focus. Getting distracted by the baby won't work this time!_

Jem: Aww... but she's so cuuuute!

_Sarin: New house, new baby... your year has been busy since you last updated. Plus reeeeeeally wonky internet connection now that we're here._

Jem: So that's my life update... If you've been reading NeoRyu777's Protector's Pride (my dear hubby is so much better at updating than I am), they're not new infos. And he's on TV tropes for that Bleach novel (seriously, it's like a dictionary length story by now).

_Sarin: Now that you're done plugging his story to distract them from the lack of updating on this one.._.

Jem: *has pulled an Assassin's Creed and parkour-ed away, leaving the remaining chapters behind*

_Sarin: ... ok then... I guess it's time to Finally wrap this up._

-To Infinity...-

As Harry appeared in the Temple of Time, he got the uncanny feeling that he was being watched... not that he wasn't used to that by this time.

"Sheik, I know you're here."

"What? How?" He stepped into the obligatory sole sunbeam of spotlight-ness, seeming to sulk slightly.

"Because you're always showing up whenever I get done with a task. I have all the metals, so now what?"

Sheik frowned behind his mask. This wasn't how it was supposed to go; Harry was supposed to be shocked and awed at the fact that he always knew where to go and when to get the largest effect! In an attempt to pull that reaction out of him, he decided to change tactics. "Ah, but you'll never guess... I have a secret identity! In reality, I'm -"

"Draco"

"- The Princess Zelda! Aw, there you go spoiling it!" The transformation into the pink flowing dress was impressive, Harry had to admit that and give credit where it was due. But after all the weird that had been happening, it was almost a predictable movement. Less predictable though was that as soon as the transformation was complete and Draco was done with his tiny tantrom, a giant rose colored crystal surrounded him and lifted him off the ground. Voldemort's laughter resounded in the chapel.

"Bwahahaha! I have captured the Princess and am going to be holding her- err... him... sausage!"

"Sausage? You mean hostage?"

"I said that!"

"You said 'sausage'..."

". . . Don't critisize me when his life is on the line!"

"How is Draco's life on the line?"

"He has me in a giant crystal that is about to phase through a wall!" Draco interjected in a little bit of a panic.

"Oh. Yeah. That..."

"At least you could act like you care that I could get spliced in the accio of this transportation device!"

"It looks to be a little more like a giant portkey, really..."

"Don't ignore me!" Voldemort fumed.

"Oh, and on that note... 'bwahahaha' is really overused as far as a villen laugh goes."

"Really?" He-Who-Really-Doesn't-Seem-All-That-Threatening-Right-Now asked, confused. "Well, what about 'Mwahahaha'?"

"It's kinda... boring."

"Mehehehehe?"

"Meh."

"Teeheeheeheehee?"

"Ok creepy, but in the wrong way."

"Can we get on with this kidnapping thing already?" Draco asked, bored. After all, being in the crystal while those two were arguing evil laughs can get dull, and he'd been sober for too long already.

"If you insist... though that is quite depressing that my evil laugh is being critiqued..." Voldy muttered, summoning the crystal and consequently Draco away.

Harry started his trudge to the castle, trying to figure out how to cross the really big bridge gap.

_And Bed-on!_

Jem: *is dragged back my the muse* Ok, so I can't find the paper copy of this so this is all just top of my head and what I can remember from what I wrote before...

_Sarin: So how many times did we have to restart the internet just to post this chapter?_

Jem: ... four...

_Sarin: So be grateful to the internet gods for allowing the post and review ;)_

Jem: Only a few chappys til End! It's been a good but very long run. Time to work on my books and/or figure out a new thing to fanfic about...

_Sarin: ... The only thing that I can be snarky about for that is "how are you supposed to get published if THIS took you 5 years?"_

Jem: ... That was low...

_Sarin: Least it was all on paper years ago and it's just been the updating that you aren't so good at... maybe you need a schedule like Ryuu has._


	19. Chapter 16: The End

_Sarin: At last, it's the last chapter..._

Jem: Kinda sad when you think about it. A short but fun fic that took forever to update through the miracle of losing and finding the original copy through three moves and quite a few years...

_Sarin_:_ Hate to tell ya, but they're probably glad they won't have to wait anymore on this._

Jem: Thanks... you always know what to say to depress me about it.

_Sarin: I do what I can to help._

_Up the Tower_

"So... crossing the broken bridge... Any ideas?" Harry asked the metals the sages had given him. Instantly, hollograms of said sages appeared.

"Forest!"

"Fire!"

"Water!"

"Shadow!"

"Spirit!"

"Light!"

A rainbow bridge made of their powers appeared, but apparently they weren't yet done.

"We're the Sages Six, you can be one too! cuz saving Hyrule is the thing to do!" They all chimed together before vanishing back to the sage chamber.

"Well that was a blatent ripoff..." Harry muttered as he made his way into the evil looking castle.

_Pause for Last PowerUp!_

"Here you are again, my friend... and all grown up so handsome too. Last time I saw you, you were such a little thing but now..."

"Has anyone told you your boobs are super sharp? I mean, it's like a barbaque-ing meat fork situation. They can't possibly be real."

The Great Fairy stopped, stunned. Where was the flustered young thing that had come to her before? This guy almost seemed... no, but that was impossable. Boredom was not something she'd allow. She rethought her tactic.

"Why don't you try and find out?" she purred, trying for a seductive pose.

"No thanks. No time. Gotta save Draco from some awful fate from being kidnapped by the baddie."

"Oh no... not the Baddie... Maybe you should just stay here, and I'll protect you."

"How about you give me a new powerup to do just that like you're supposed to?"

"... So you can stay here and protect little-old me? Why that is so sweet." She gushed, flinging herself at him. He sidestepped to avoid getting scewered.

"I could always leave without it..."

"And get killed? Absolutely not! Promise you'll come back after you're done beating him and I'll gladly give you the power."

Why not? Harry thought absent-mindedly. If I save Draco and return to our world, Link will be the one who made the promise to all these ladies, and it will be a battle royal... If I don't save Draco, I'll be the one who has the battle royal over me and no more stupid missions. And if someway somehow time gets reversed to before this all happened, the promise won't matter anyway.

"Sure. I'll go save the princess and be riiiiiight back, k?" And suddenly, his heart bubbles got a white coating that made him harder to kill. He poked one and felt it ooze onto his hand. "So what'd you put on them for shielding?"

The Great Fairy shrugged. "Royal Icing. If it holds together a gingerbread house indefinately, than as soon as it hardens, your hearts should be pretty much impenitrable. Especially if you also have Neryu's Love on."

Not one to argue with what seemed to be pretty sound logic in this crazy world, Harry nodded and left for the last stage of his adventure.

_Unpause_

After fighting the rest of the generic baddies, moving through useless puzzles, and running up what seemed like an endless flight of stairs, Harry finally reached the top of the tallest tower.

"Here I come to save the... huh?"

The sight that greeted him was not what he'd expected. Nowhere was the ominous music coming from an organ of evil, though it was present, nor was Draco stranded in the rosy crystal high above. Instead Voldie and Draco were... enjoying a spot of afternoon tea?

"Oh goodie, you're here." Voldemort actually dared to sound bored.

"Draco! I ran all the way up the whole tower, smiting all the annoying pests he threw at me, dodged getting run through by pointy boobs, and you're having TEA?"

Voldemort turned to Draco. "I really need to buy new henchmen. Good ones this time, the last bunch haven't even made a dent. I mean, look at those heart bubbles. They're still shiny for crying out loud!"

"Oooooh, shineeeeeeeeeey..."

Harry walked up and slapped Draco. "Not you too! For the love of god, don't leave me alone and sane in this godforsaken asylum!"

"You're still sane? How did that happen?"

"I don't know... Probably the same reason there is bacon in the soap."

"I made it myself!" Impa squeeked from the background.

"I suppose you need some Tacos?" Draco asked, starting to weave in his seat already.

"... or I will explode... that happens to me sometimes."

"Spiked the tea again, did we?" Harry asked, nonplussed.

"He's more entertaining this way." Voldie shrugged. "But that's not the point."

"What was the point again?"

"Bla bla bla epic battle bla...?"

"Yeah... we could do that..."

The roof of the tower suddenly exploded. Harry turned to where the hologram of Impa had formerly been. "So, didn't get tacos fast enough?"

"I'm alright... I'm getting bettah."

"..."

"..."

"... Tea?" Draco slurred.

"No tea for you!" Harry attempted. Draco just laughed. "It was worth a shot..."

"So shall we -" SQUISH!

"GRAWR!" Harry stared at the giant, dark fiery beast brandishing a whip before him that had just landed on Voldemort and then dared to roar at him. After a small staring contest, the beast pulled out a pair of spectacles, balanced them on the end of its nose, and pulled out a script. In a stage whisper, it said "Psst, your line is 'you shall not pass!'"

"Umm... I don't think you belong here, actually."

"Really?" The beast looked around and frowned. "Damn it. I told my agent to screen my gigs and make sure he had proper directions! Sorry for intruding..."

"Actually..."

"Ewwwww... I got villain on my foot. Gross!" And it vanished into a puff of smoke that soon covered the whole area, letting the credits trigger.

"Wait!" Draco cried, pausing them in their rise. "We missed the last bit! Bla bla bla, I'm the final sage we should seal – oh wait, he just got squished by a balrog... umm... now what...?"

"So what are you the sage of?" Harry asked, confused.

"No clue. Time, space, the whole bloody game?"

"Tea!" Impa, newly re-hologramed interjected.

"Whatever floats your boat." Harry shrugged. "Now can we get out of here?"

And into the inbetween they went...

"Hey, why did you get the pants the whole game?"

"..."

"Nevermind, I want my dress back. These leggings chafe!"

End... or is it?

**Harry: No. No no no no no. I am not gonna be a pawn in another one of your -**

Jem: Yes. Yes it is.

_Sarin: (at same time) Now which game can I, I mean you, throw them into... hmmm..._

**Draco: Considering this was a bet between you and your husband and he chickened out of his part...**

Ryuu: I didn't chicken out. I just didn't do it.

_Sarin: Chicken. Totally._

Jem: Considering he's never gonna give up updating his current thing -

Ryuu: 2 things

Jem: it's kinda a moot point. But if you want him to do his, tell him. Remember, that's NeoRyu777 FTW! ;)

Ryuu: *faceplant*

_Sarin: Maybe she'll come up with something new if you_

**_All: Review! :)_**


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